The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

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Confessions of a victim

I write to you all because in today’s day and age...

Confessions of a victim

I write to you all because in today’s day and age it’s of paramount importance that minorities are protected from malicious discriminations and given a safe space. In today’s climate of homophobia, Anti-Semitism, Misogyny, Man Hating, white privilege abusing, black hating, rich loathing, poor baiting, immigrant bashing, a-sexual dating, benefit demonising, vegetarian eating media culture, I feel that I must stand up for the minority to which I belong. Me. The Asians make up only 5% of the country The Blacks just 2%. The Muslims 4% and The Jews only one and a half. But I am just me. Only a little bit of a little bit of a percent. Only Me!

My minority does not mean that I get to slip under the radar however, oh no. Intersectionality shows how my oppressions are as deep as they are wide. The mechanisms of abuse and persecution are superimposed twelve times over for me! I’m not gay so The Sraight Haters get me there, I’m not a man so The Misogynists get me there (as well as those Lad Culture Banter Boys). I believed in Yaweh last year but changed to Krushna now so that’s both The Anti-Semites and The Hindu Haters who I have to watch out for! Mean whilst the Muslim extremists hate me for not being like them, (as do many of the other muslims, since being white, Ialso find to my horror I’m a cog in their oppression) The feminists hate me because I don’t say I’m one of them. Labour Students taunt me since I didn’t join them and The Conservatives have me on a blacklist because I said no to them too. (Yet I still get no sympathy for my Liberal Democrat principles. On which note The Lefty students hate me for my U-turn on tuition fees.) I’m missing my pinkie on my left foot so the eugenicists hate me for being disabled, whilst the disability rights advocates also hate me, because apparently my disability doesn’t really count. Whilst I’m not lucky enough to have dyslexia or be short-sighted, tests have revealed that I am in fact really quite stupid, but I get no compensation there.

So you see it’s really hard being in a minority. It’s really hard being Me. I have no safe space where I can stop people disagreeing with me, unlike some of these more popular ‘minorities’. I hate to say it again, but I’m just me, totally alone and with no-one in the world to share my oppression with. I’m working class so The State hates me, but I’m also a student so The Working class hate me too. Sometimes it feels like everyone hates me.

The worst bit is that no-one respects my minority. Alright I haven’t got a name for it yet, but when I try to use mine people just look at me funny. Nowadays when people ask for respect under their own name its just not enough, you have to use one of the big ones. You’re a nobody without a minority name and the bigger the better. The way I see it Labour works pretty well among young people, much better than Conservative, but these require a bit too much reading and study to be believable. The best ones are those that you can be born into. Jew and Muslim really work well at the moment (although you can volunteer in and out of those ones if you work really, really hard, but everyone will hate you for it). The first has perhaps the biggest historical advantage, but their constantly at risk of being perceived as one of The Isreali’s and hated for it of course. The latter however have really put on a turn of speed. They’ve even just had a new prejudice named for themselves! It’s called Islamophobia! Just ten years fresh thanks to those Jihadi Extremists who just hate everyone straight and simple, problem for The Muslims is that it’s The Jihadists who hate them the absolute most! You see hate today isn’t just multiplying, It’s tribalising, the Islamophobes can’t stand the anti-fascists, the white haters can’t stand the black haters, nor the women haters the men haters. I really feel that something needs to be done

So, I’m publishing a new dictionary of discrimination next week and I’m going to make sure my name is in it. They’ll all hate me thrice over once I’ve written this anyway.

Peace be upon you,

Angela Victim