It’s 2 February. This means that if you actually aced Dry January — a whole month without heroin — last night was the Great British Blow Off. At last, your chance to plunge a syringe of opiates into your healthily bulging bicep.

Even though I didn’t take the challenge myself (because cba), plenty of you did. For health reasons, for gaining weight, not being a fucked up wreck, because you’re really poor after spending all your wages on Christmas drugs or because if fucking Becky from work can do it then so can you.

We asked people to document their first day back on the poppy train; their downwards tumble into a routine of apathy, social exclusion and a generally shitty life of addiction, with a picture.

Deirdre

‘my brain is an orgasm bigger than the Bake Off tent’

Steve

‘auto-erotic asphyxiation’

Carol and Becky

‘we went camping’

Leslie

[Growling noises.]

The Schwarz Family

‘auto-erotic asphyxiation’

Daryl and Leonardo

‘we aren’t real people’