The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

‘Absolute legend’ forces struggling single father to clean puke out of cab

Notorious Warwick student vomits in cab. Makes driver clean it up.

‘Absolute legend’ forces struggling single father to clean puke out of cab

Sources confirm that a second year Politics student and local legend Eddie Winchester went on a complete bender last Friday night, culminating in him throwing up in a taxi. “I’ve never been so wankered in my life,” Eddie says “One second I was dancing to Sorry by Justin Bieber after slamming 6 vodka redbulls at Smack, the next I had inconsiderately ruined the night and subsequent week for a single father of two struggling to make ends meet.”

Eddie confirmed that this was the last straw for the homesick immigrant taxi driver who left his home country for greater economic opportunities. “I’ve never seen a fully grown man cry like that before,” noted the legend himself “It was hilarious. Haha I was so drunk!”

Witnesses reported watching the teary-eyed man, who grew up without ready access to higher education, wipe Eddie’s sick off the backseat for 45 minutes before returning to Smack where students refused to get in his cab because it smelled of sick. “He said I had to pay a cleaning fee to make up for his lost business,” Eddie told reporters, “but I yelled ‘fuck that for a laugh’ in his disheveled mug and ran off. Top quality bants”.

Local sources reported that after the taxi driver dropped his kids off at school the next morning, he went home and slammed a fifth of vodka alone in his bathroom. Looks like Eddie’s legendaryness is contagious!

(main image via)