The Hoarchive

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‘Literally nobody gives a shit’ about SU elections, according to shocking poll

A startling new poll commissioned by the SU shows that of the several hundred respondents questioned, none of them gave a single shit.

‘Literally nobody gives a shit’ about SU elections, according to shocking poll

A survey of 250 potential voters were asked how many shits, on a scale of 0 to 10, they gave about the outcomes of the upcoming votes for the various positions the SU has to offer. All 250 voters selected 0. Five of the respondents were standing for positions themselves. When asked why they decided to run if they didn’t care, one of them responded, “I needed something to do with my weekends”, while another said, “I thought I was ordering pizza”.

Among those who are bothering to look into the candidates in any detail out of lack of anything better to do with their time, a few names have proven to be very popular. For example, the populist Remington Spa. He’s a multi-billionaire real estate mogul and TV personality with hair resembling a dead fox, whose plans include building a wall between Warwick University and Mexico and “beating the hell out of ISIS”, and has been described by many potential voters as “high energy”.

The SU hustings did nothing to alleviate the voters’ lack of respect for the system, and some candidates really failed to deliver. Jed Bushman had to ask for applause after giving the response to a question about “boots on the ground” in Coventry, while when Mark O’Rubens was asked a question about the record of current SU lead, Isaac Leigh, he responded, “Let’s dispel with this notion that President Leigh doesn’t know what he’s doing – he knows exactly what he’s doing!” This did nothing to allay the concerns of the admittedly small audience.

This extreme electoral apathy does not mean that nobody will vote, however. If that happens, the election starts all over again, and campus will once again be completely covered in cardboard signs with names on them, which for some reason the candidates appear to think is a valuable campaigning tactic. This has led to the strange situation where even some of the most disillusioned voters are going to submit ballots, even if they do this by throwing darts at their computer monitor.

This poll comes amid the electoral fraud controversy surrounding the candidate known as RON, who appears to have been nominated for every single SU position. He is running on the unusual platform that any position he wins will be re-elected immediately. He seems to attract the votes of those who think there is no better option.

If you notice a candidate doing something they shouldn’t be, something idiotic, something totally fucked up or — potentially — something laudable, tell us about it.