Presidential election to be repeated after all 3 candidates ‘no-platformed’
Oh no, not again!
A sharp drop in the mood was felt at around 2pm today on Warwick campus, as it was revealed that all three SU presidential candidates had been ‘no-platformed’. The morose sentiment was triggered by universal annoyance at the realisation that another election week would have to be endured.
This development, which was met universally with indignation, was caused after the SU found skeletons in each of the three candidates’ closets.
George Creasy, after a popular stint as societies officer, was no platformed after being seen dancing and singing exuberantly in his office to the Taylor Swift song ‘Wildest Dreams’, which has drawn criticism for its music video’s offensive depiction of Africa. The SU has released a statement saying that, by visibly having a ‘fucking great time’ while singing this song, Creasy, 22, was tacitly supporting a backwards view of the African continent, a view which the SU does not take lightly.
Any speculation that this culling had been motivated by the power-hunger of another candidate was soon dispelled, as both Luke Pilot, the acting welfare officer, and Remington Spa, the populist candidate, were also expelled from the race.
After a long forensic investigation, the SU determined that the cap Remington Spa is sporting in his campaign videos is in fact from Donald Trump’s ‘Make America Great Again’ range. A motion was passed in favour of banning any products that are related to Trump at the last All-Student Meeting by a majority of the 11 votes cast.
Twitter was awash with Warwick students discussing the removal of these candidates for a few minutes, before everyone remembered that they all didn’t even give one shit about the election.
All arrows pointed towards Luke Pilot, 22, becoming the new president, until the SU used a no platform policy against him too. A distressed SU employee, who wishes to remain anonymous, was greatly emotionally troubled by the use of planes and aviation imagery in Pilot’s campaign due to their mild fear of flying. The SU regarded this as inexcusable, especially given the fact that Pilot did not use trigger warnings, and could not tolerate this abuse of their employee’s safe space.
Rather than outrage at the SU’s policies, the student body primarily seemed pissed off at the thought of having to endure yet another trialing week of elections. The mood was perfectly captured by India Ferrence, a Computer Science finalist, whose apathy towards the original election week had now turned to sheer resentment, “I guess the SU have finally managed to get students to give more than zero shits about the elections, but that isn’t a good thing”.