The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

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School Council experience gives potential sabbs ‘an edge'

In election week, the sabb candidates are demonstrating their competency for their desired roles by recalling their days on the school council. One

School Council experience gives potential sabbs ‘an edge'

One presidential candidate with a cardboard frame around her neck told us, “I always took suggestions from my form group in the morning once I was reminded that school council was in the afternoon. I persistently fought for shorter school days, abolition of school uniform and for a sweet shop to be opened on the playground. Regardless of my continued failure to deliver, I feel that my tenacity and various other skills honed every other Wednesday lunch time during term time has given me an edge over other candidates. Vote for me!”

We caught up with one of the candidates for societies officer outside the library. He was shocked that we had voluntarily made eye contact with him and acknowledged his presence unlike the crowds of harassed students trying to get to their next lecture. “The free lunches were great. I never told my mum about them so I got to keep my packed lunch and have it at break or after school on my way home. This is the kind of initiative that a societies officer needs to be able to demonstrate.

“I’m not entirely sure if I’ll get free lunches or not as SU officers, vote for me and I’ll let you know!”

“Once elected, I hope to find new issues to raise repeatedly as school uniforms are no longer the big issue facing students,” said one DDO candidate, carrying a wooden totem pole out from a lecture theatre. When asked to elaborate on these issues — after putting the wooden mascot that was part of a loose pun based on her nickname only known to friends — she said “the popular demands at the minute are: a new library since the current one is too far from Costa, the recording of all lectures for anyone who can’t be arsed to come in and hangover bays for anyone who actually thought they would be able to take notes if they did turn up after Smack the night before.

“Some call these demands unrealistic but I’m hoping to have similar success to Andy Dufresne in the Shawshank Redemption if I ask enough times. Three should do it”. She then told open day visitors to vote for her.

During a break between plastering every fucking thing in sight with painted cardboard a Welfare officer candidate reminisced over the utopian ideals they held during their school days “A sweet shop on the piazza would be great, wouldn’t it? I’ve not had a Freddo in ages, mind you, have you seen how much they cost now?”