Report: 87% of seminar tutors incredibly lonely

A recent Gallup Poll has depressing results for those looking to pursue a PhD in a subject they love.

Report: 87% of seminar tutors incredibly lonely

Roughly 87% of seminar tutors are cripplingly lonely, largely due to lack of student participation. “I mean, at least say that you don’t understand. I’m here to teach you!” said Lawrence Waite, a Computer Science PhD candidate “Talk to me! God. I’m so alone.”

Over 57% of seminar tutors look inwards, placing the lack of student participation on their own shortcomings. “Why won’t they talk to me? Is it my teaching style? I’m dedicating my entire life to this and I can’t get a single word out of these kids,” stressed Jorge Morales, a Development Economics PhD candidate “It makes me feel like a complete failure. And so, so lonely”.

While some look inwards, others argue that the lack of student participation is due to the destructive culture surrounding participation in seminars. “If you participate and say the right thing, you come off as overly keen. If you participate and say the wrong thing, you come off as overly keen and stupid,” explained Annabelle Clemenceau, a War History PhD candidate “Bunch of pussies. Speak up! Please! Please talk to me”.

Digging deeper, Gallup reached out to the students of the seminar tutors surveyed, and the results were shocking: 67% never do the seminar work, 73% feel too hungover from the previous night to participate, and over 92% couldn’t even spell their seminar tutor’s last name.

When asked to comment on how it feels knowing that the kids you’re teaching don’t even care enough to know your name, over 23% of those polled yelled “I don’t care! I’m done caring!” with tears in their eyes, and over 42% were on their phone, waiting for the interview to end.