The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Inspirational tales of procrastinators who got incredible marks, well, given the circumstances, at least

Everyone has a friend who seems to do shockingly well in school, I mean, considering the amount of effort they put in.

Inspirational tales of procrastinators who got incredible marks, well, given the circumstances, at least
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We’ve put together a list of people who really pushed themselves to the limit — for a few hours. Get ready to be impressed!

1. Jane

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Jane is notorious amongst her friends for procrastinating. She was assigned a five page essay comparing and contrasting two different books and was given three weeks to write it. Sounds pretty tough, right? Jane upped the stakes! She wrote the entire thing from 4am to 7:59am without reading either book and managed to get a B+. Wow! That’s really impressive — given the time constraint and how tired she must have been, at least.

2. Larry

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Affectionately referred to as ‘last minute Larry’, Larry had three tests on a single day. Most people would study for each test separately a few days prior, but that just wasn’t gonna cut it for Larry. With an hour between each test, he decided to do all his preparation in the time between each test. And guess what? He managed to average a B- across all three tests! Remarkable — well, I mean, since he learned it all on the day.

3. Adam

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Think you can’t do an entire dissertation in three days? Think again! Postgraduate student Adam Huntington was given a full year to conduct a 12,000 word dissertation on the effects of student loan debt on the macroeconomy. Equipped with a litre jug of Red Bull and two loaves of bread, Adam stayed up for 72 hours straight and finished the entire assignment in one sitting. He only got a low 2:2, but given the hallucinations and nervous sweats, we’re amazed!

4. Natalie

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Natalie is only five years old, but she puts some of these other procrastinators to shame. An integral part of Ridgeview Primary School’s nursery program is the ‘Young Artist’ colouring portfolio. Each student saves their colouring sheets from the year in a big binder to be put on display at Open House. Simple enough, right? Natalie took it to the next level! Having not done a single colouring sheet the entire year, she coloured them all completely blue 15 minutes before it was due and got three gold stars. Unbelievable — I mean, she’s only five!

5. Mark Zuckerberg

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This guy is such a procrastinator, he still hasn’t finished undergrad! Which is pretty impressive, given he created Facebook and all that. Nice!