The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

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Libel Special

Where we put the borderline libellous article submissions.

Libel Special

The Hoar receives a lot of letters. Whilst this brings us no end of joy, some of their writers are quite keen to posit untruths about actual people. Libel, and for that matter illegality, is a path we are wary of treading. As such, we’ve put together an endearing collection of our favourite line-crossers.

If any of you happen to be Isaac Leigh, Luke Pilot, or George Creasy, and find these harmless untruths disquieting, we’ll reluctantly redact, and think less of you for it.

1. Isaac Leigh ‘recovering well’ after realising he has to enter the real world

Isaac Leigh, amateur blogger and occasional SU President, is reportedly on the mend after the shock discovery he cannot remain at Warwick indefinitely.

Isaac Leigh’s realisation that he has to exit the veritable womb of Warwick into the world of real employment is said to have come as a surprise to Disco Dave’s quixotic paymaster.

After whiling away an entire year getting righteously indignant about the blasted buses, and waving a tearful goodbye to his chum Nigel Thrift — the recent elections mean that Isaac Leigh will have to end his self-imposed imprisonment on campus and explore the world outside Warwickshire.

Such a move is rendered necessary by the election of the man ranked by The Tab  as ‘Most Insipid on Campus’ — Luke ‘Peter Pan’ Pilot. Pilot won himself yet another year gathering dust in the sprawling Byzantine behemoth that is the SU, bankrolled by the vampiric SU charges levied on actual students here. Pilot’s ticket was largely a promise to reject the strictures of time and  to remain a child forever.

Isaac Leigh, according to sources inside the Union, wished to run for a second term as President — but realised the futility of such a campaign given the failure of his name to provide adequate scope for any piss-poor election wordplay.

Leigh is said to be willing to accept his fate — and is currently considering whoring out his mind and soul to “literally anyone who will take me”. Several top investment banks are reportedly hugely interested in transforming Leigh’s body into a vacuous husk in return for a six-figure salary.

2. SU-wide panic as Warwick ‘DrugSoc’ shoots up in popularity

Ten students were stopped last year from starting a drug-based society.

Last week, in what he called his last ‘Fuck you’ to the Student Union, George Creasy approved the shady sect, saying “Well if I lose to a guy with a shit hat for a campaign, why don’t we just let everything go up in flames?:” (Creasy has since stated that he meant this purely figuratively, and has nothing to do with any fires that may have recently occurred.) (obviously, he hasn’t done or said any of this —ed)

Since that point, the society has gone nowhere but up, with 6% of students saying they go to meetings ‘almost daily’. While DrugSoc claims the name is just a playful title, the clouds of dank smoke that hang above the group’s weekly circling event suggest otherwise.

“Yeah, we’re so glad that it’s finally off the ground,” said a founding member of the society, as his pupils broke the pornography industry’s long-standing record for largest gaping hole.

Meanwhile, the SU’s outrage at Creasy’s careless yet laddish behaviour has been vocal. “6% is ridiculous,” says Rachel Triggert, the LGBTUAXJKE+ officer. “6%, like, that’s almost 10%! How can we stand by and let this happen?” Current action plans include taking to the internet, writing a Boar article, and giving alienating looks to the evil perpetrators.

It is still yet to be seen how much damage Creasy has done; in his crack-addled society approval binge, he also approved the suspiciously-named ‘ISIW’, the ambitious ‘Warwick Lap Dancing’ and the surprisingly popular ‘Warwick Casual Sex Society’.

3. Isaac Leigh: Coming to Murder Your Nan?

Isaac Leigh, self-styled supremo of the shady cross-campus conglomerate known only as the ‘Students Union’, is a well-known name. He gives speeches, makes appearances at events, and harangues you through emails, whose reading list — try as you might — you can never fully extricate yourself from.

But this reporter believes there is something more sinister behind the trained smiles, and media-wide veneer. It has come to this reporters attention that, despite having ample opportunity, Isaac Leigh has never openly denied having a concerted policy of trying to murder your Nan. Don’t believe me? Look through the transcripts — I invite you. You’ll find, as I did, that in none of the many speeches, campaign rallies, or discarded crosswords in bins that Isaac Leigh has given, there is not a single word to refute this charge.

This reporter is not trying to claim that Isaac Leigh is spending every waking moment quivering at the prospect of bringing an untimely end to your Nan, nor am I claiming that his office is rammed to the rafters with documents detailing elaborate and gruesome methods by which to carry out his sick fascination. I am merely asking the question of Isaac Leigh – ‘Why haven’t you denied it?’ If Isaac Leigh really does not have a platform of coming to murder your Nan — then why has he never denied this charge?

In essence there are two possibilities — either Isaac Leigh is, this very moment, oiling the rifle and preparing the chamber for the bullet that will finish your Nan, salivating at the very prospect of this unprovoked act of malice and depravity — or he isn’t. It is up to you — the discerning reader — to decide which the truth is. So before you jaunt off to your next lecture — pause for a moment and ask ‘Is Isaac Leigh coming to murder my Nan?