The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Mrs Clinton wins Appearance Evaluation

Campaigner, candidate, and famous e-mail address — Hillary ‘we were shot at in Sarajevo, I promise’ Clinton, from a Michigan podium has won the gruelling, yet integral trial of the Appearance Evaluation.

Mrs Clinton wins Appearance Evaluation

In the Appearance Evaluation, female candidates must stand before a crowd of representative American people and a panel of candidates, both Democrat and Republican. Crowd and panel judge each candidate on her appearance to determine whether she is serious and responsible enough for the White House. Winning the hearts, minds, and most importantly, eyes, of the electorate is no easy task, but then neither is the presidency.

Clinton, the female frontrunner, appeared before the Appearance Evaluation assembly last Tuesday. It contained mostly overweight white people, and approximately five black people. Despite chants of ‘Lewinsky wore it better!’ by an unruly section of the crowd, Secretary Clinton, or ‘Mrs Clinton’ as she is typically known, was not be swayed.

Indeed, swayed is something she never has, never could, and never will be. Where dogged campaigning in the spirit of approved sentiment fails, regular circuit trimmings and joint oiling will keep Clinton going indefinitely.

After a long night spent with media consultants, the former First Lady opted to wear a navy blue Chanel suit — the same one she has worn every single day of her campaign, and by extension, her life. Apparently, the polls indicated that this is the best outfit to make her look ‘professional’ and ‘businesslike’ in the eyes of voters.

In a break from protocol, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump opened the Clinton’s evaluation by shouting, “Ugly! Hillary is just ugly!”. The spat of foamed vitriol got him so excited that the blonde hamster usually stuck to his head even jumped off and ran away.

Other candidates (there are other candidates? —ed) joined the bid to denigrate Clinton’s attire, and therefore her candidacy. Republican afterthought, Marco Rubio, stuck to his medieval beliefs by stating through his designer smile that “the witch should be burned” in both English and Spanish. The sentiment was well received by the Hispanic demographic.

Democrat candidate, part time Marxist, and full time adorable grandfather, Bernie Sanders, refrained from commenting on Clinton’s face and hair. Instead he asked Clinton whether she was aware that child labourers in Bangladesh produced her suit. Her reply: “I don’t believe I ever have been. I don’t believe I ever will be, I’m going to do the best that I can to level with the American people,” was mystifying.

Markedly absent was Ted Cruz, who is believed to have been on trial in California, under allegations that perhaps he actually is The Zodiac Killer.

(main image via)