The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Da’esh to postpone all further attacks in response to ‘Prevent’

“Sure, I still hate the soulless materialism, the narcissistic individualism, and the profane immorality of the UK” recounts Aureliano.

Da’esh to postpone all further attacks in response to ‘Prevent’

All names have been changed from the names I originally invented for these fictional interviewees.“But in light of Warwick’s legal duty to monitor and punish potential radicals, I’m just going to have to put my incendiary anti-Westernism aside, and focus on my degree”.

Aureliano is not alone, indeed, following the 2015 Counter Terrorism and Security Act, so many would-be student terrorists have swapped bombs for books, and bullets for biology, that Da’esh has had to cease recruitment efforts beyond their ‘borders’, and call off further planned attacks, in a bid to economise on their resource usage.

A spokesperson, Prudençio, stated that “two factors have forced our temporary cessation of activity: the thrice-annual draining of the continental European population to a small site in the West Midlands, and the subsequent surveillance of all brothers by untrained mentors”.

It seems, therefore, that previous suggested solutions were forever pointing in the wrong places. The sources of disruptive derangement of vulnerable individuals did not lay in daily antagonisms on ordinary streets, a lack of opportunity, and failure to drive integration; but was instead festering in the supportive and discursive realm of the intelligentsia.

If we’re going to reintroduce these lost sheep to the fold, then we must do so through monitoring and suspicion. Aureliano’s friend, José Arcardio, added that “to have Theresa May breathing down my neck, weighing every seminar contribution I make with the watchful eyes of her reluctant minions… is condescending, insulting, and just makes me love British society”.

Yet acclaim for the legislative breakthrough has not been universal. Ursula, a long- (4-week) standing critic of prevent, was not so impressed. “Whilst it may have worked this time, it’s degrading all the same. What’s more, its pernicious message serve to bolster the rhetoric of the Trumps, Le Pens and Orbans of this world”, her argument followed that we’d be better off taking a knock to security than bringing on board the populist social revolution that comes with broadly Islamaphobic legislation. However, as sub-vice-ancillary exec of ‘prevent prevent soc’, her undying support of an untenable minority voice is all but expected.

For now, let’s raise a glass to our new found liberation, even if it is to the cost of the liberty of others. It seems now that there are three things we can be certain of; death, tax, and the infinite wisdom of higher education legislation.