The Passion of Theodora Hoar
Apparently it’s been Easter recently. We asked ourselves, ‘what would Theodora do?’
“And it came to pass, when Theodora had finished all these sayings, she said unto her disciples, ye know that after two days is the feast of the passover, and the Queen of the Hoars is betrayed to be crucified.
“Then assembled together the undergrads, and the postgrads, and the lecturers, unto the palace of the vice chancellor, who was called Nigel Thrift, and consulted that they might take Theodora by subtilty, and kill her. But they said, not on the feast day, lest there be an uproar among the people.
“When the morning was come, all the students took counsel against Theodora to put her to death: and when they had bound her, they led her away, and delivered her to Nigel Thrift the vice-chancellor.
“Then some arsehole, which had betrayed her when he saw that she was condemned, repented himself, and brought again the thirty pieces of silver to the students, Saying, I have sinned in that I have betrayed the innocent blood. And they said, What is that to us? see thou to that.
“And he cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and departed, and went and hanged himself. (cheery cheery —ed) And the students took the silver pieces, and said, it is not lawful for to put them into the treasury, because it is the price of blood. And they took counsel, and bought with them the University House Field field, to bury strangers in.
“Wherefore that field was called, the field of blood (and building site), unto this day. Then was fulfilled that which was spoken by Isaac the prophet, saying, And they took the thirty pieces of silver, the price of him that was valued, whom they of the children of Warwick did value; and gave them for the University House field, as Lord Rootes appointed me.
“And Theodora stood before the vice-chancellor: and the vice-chancellor asked her, saying, Art thou the Queen of the Hoars? And Theodora said unto him, thou sayest. And when she was accused of the students, she answered nothing.
“Then said the vice-chancellor unto her, hearest thou not how many things they witness against thee? And she answered him to never a word; insomuch that the vice-chancellor marvelled greatly. Now at that feast the vice-chancellor was wont to release unto the people a prisoner, whom they would.
“And they had then a notable prisoner, called Tabbitha Tab. Therefore when they were gathered together, Thrift said unto them, whom will ye that I release unto you? Tabbitha, or Theodora which is called Hoar? For he knew that for envy they had delivered him.
“When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just woman: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of her. But the undergrads and postgrads persuaded the multitude that they should ask Tabbitha, and destroy Theodora.
“The vice-chancellor answered and said unto them, whether of the twain will ye that I release unto you? They said, Tabbitha. Thrift saith unto them, What shall I do then with Theodora which is called Hoar? They all say unto him, Let her be crucified.
“And the vice-chancellor said, why, what evil hath she done? But they cried out the more, saying, let her be crucified. When Thrift saw that he could prevail nothing, but that rather a tumult was made, he took water, and washed his hands before the multitude, saying, I am innocent of the blood of this just person: see ye to it.
“Then answered all the people, and said, her blood be on us, and on our children. Then released he Tabbitha unto them: and when he had scourged Theodora, he delivered her to be crucified.
“Then the campus security officers of the vice-chancellor took Theodora into the hall known as L3, and gathered unto her the whole band of campus security officers. And they stripped her, and put on her an aubergine-coloured robe.
“And when they had platted a crown of thorns, they put it upon her head, and a issue of the Boar in her right hand: and they bowed the knee before her, and mocked her, saying, Hail, Queen of the Hoars! And they spit upon her, and took the issue of the Boar, and smote her on the head.
“And after that they had mocked her, they took the robe off from her, and put her own raiment on her, and led her away to crucify her. And as they came out, they found a man of Westwood, Bob by name: him they compelled to bear her cross. And when they were come unto a place called The Atrium, that is to say, a place of a skull,
“They gave her purple to drink mingled with gall: and when she had tasted thereof, she would not drink.
“And they crucified her, and parted her garments, casting lots: that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, they parted my garments among them, and upon my vesture did they cast lots. And sitting down they watched her there;
“And set up over her head her accusation written, this Is Theodora The Queen Of The Hoars. Then were there two false Facebook entities crucified with her, one on the right hand, and another on the left. And they that passed by reviled her, wagging their heads, And saying, thou that destroyest the temple, and buildest it in three days, save thyself. If thou be the Daughter of Lord Rootes, come down from the cross.
“Likewise also the undergraduates mocking her, with the postgraduates and estates staff, said, She wrote about others; herself she cannot write about. If she be the Queen of the Hoars, let her now write an amusing story about the cross, and we will believe her.
“She trusted in Lord Rootes; let him deliver her now, if he will have her: for she said, I am the Daughter of Lord Rootes. The false Facebook entities also, which were crucified with her, cast the same in her teeth.
“Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land unto the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Theodora cried with a loud voice, saying, Lord Rootes, Lord Rootes, why hast thou forsaken me? Some of them that stood there, when they heard that, said, this woman calleth for Lord Rootes.
“And straightway one of them ran, and took a sponge, and filled it with purple, and put it on a rolled-up issue of the Boar, and gave her to drink. The rest said, let be, let us see whether Lord Rootes will come to save her. Theodora, when she had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.
“And, behold, the veil of the halls of residence was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent; and the rooms were opened; and many bodies of the former residents which slept arose, and came out of the rooms after her resurrection, and went into campus, and appeared unto many.
“Now when the campus security officer, and they that were with him, watching Theodora, saw the earthquake, and those things that were done, they feared greatly, saying, truly this was the Daughter of Lord Rootes.
“And many people were there beholding afar off, which followed Theodora from Royal Leamington Spa, ministering unto her: among which was George Creasy, and Luke Pilot, and the Big Issue seller from the Parade.
“When the even was come, there came a rich man of Leamington, named George Lawlor, who also himself was Theodora’s disciple: He went to Thrift, and begged the body of Theodora. Then Thrift commanded the body to be delivered. And when George Lawlor had taken the body, he wrapped it in a clean linen cloth, And laid it in his own new tomb, which he had hewn out in the rock: and he rolled a great stone to the door of the sepulchre, and departed.”