The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

The True Meaning of Easter

Lest we forget how important this time of year is — especially for students.

The True Meaning of Easter

Your newsfeed, by now, is a liturgy of slightly disingenuous, cherry-picked quotes, superimposed on a lovely blue sky, or a lovely ickle bunny wabbit; all claiming to profess the ‘true meaning of Easter’.

Now is the time to agree what the real meaning of Easter is.

Stuffing your chops with overpriced confectionary? No. Resting at home, recovering from another term under the tyranny of a weaker-than-average work ethic? Nope: you’ve got a dissertation to write, fuckwit. Remembering that Christ died for our sins and rose again? Don’t be daft. Warwick doesn’t do RS. What we all need to remember this holiday is to display our devotion to the one who we keep closest to our hearts:

Easter, quite simply, isn’t Easter without a picture of your family pet.

As we all know, posting a family pet on Facebook can increase your life satisfaction by a lot of percents. Covering multiple outlets, or adding self-reverential comments like “what a poser”, or “I know everyone’s doing it but LOOK AT HIM HE’S SO CUTE” have been known to improve moods exponentially.

Not sold? Look:

Here’s a picture of my family pet, Darren. He’s a cat.

"Jumping on the bandwagon, what a cutie!"
“Jumping on the bandwagon, what a cutie!”

Do chocolate and Jesus get 34 Instagram likes? Fuck no. Even the fitty from Tuesday’s seminar liked it. And we’ve only ever spoken in the Humanities lift. If if that cat’d got 50 I’d have got a tattoo of him on my arse with a quote reading; “Meow meow… meow… purrrrr… ” (Darren 3:5-8).

Now then. Before you dismiss me as one of those militant ‘family pet’ types, don’t. I’m not going to inundate you with ‘reasons to let family-pet-exposure into your life’. You’ve heard ‘em all. But check this out: there I was, slogging away at my essay, and onto the keyboard jumps Darren. Obviously, rather than move him out of the way to continue, I took the opportunity to Snapchat the shit out of it. Now everyone has seen both my family pet and the cool nonchalance with which I treat my degree. You can’t get that in the learning grid.

Sure, Easter is a time for leisure and family. [Don’t forget whores and heroine. Ed.] But first and foremost, remember why we’re all here — to obscure our tedious lives with photos of smaller animals, whom we firmly believe give a flying fuck about us.