10 ways to resolve kitchen conflict (without resorting to hate crimes)

We’ve been there: missing milk, whining flatmates and the welcoming aroma of burnt fish.

10 ways to resolve kitchen conflict (without resorting to hate crimes)

Sharing a kitchen is tough for some, but you may not need to commit a hate crime to end the fights. We’ve carefully assembled, with the help of a fully accredited professional in an unrelated field, a list of ten less illegal ways to get one over on your food-prep foe.

1. Shit in a cupboard.

Did you hear the Rootes story last year? Campus was alight with one question: ‘who shat in the cupboard?’ This is an excellent way to simultaneously irritate everyone on your floor and draw attention to your struggle.

2. Punch holes in their condoms (or their significant other’s condoms).

No one wants an unwanted pregnancy. Literally never. It’ll only take a pin, 10 minutes and an intensive search of your victim’s room to wreak life-changing damage. Perfect!

3. Steal their phone and send emails saying ‘i want to fuck you, bus stop @22:30’ to their personal tutor.

Personal tutors normally get in on the joke quickly, and agree to a spot of hanky-panky in the car park stairwell opposite the sports centre.

4. Lie to them that no one wants to pay their ransom.

People are always getting kidnapped at Warwick — that sort of thing happens when you’re so far from the South East. Telling your flatmate that they’d probably be left to rot in the boot of a Vauxhall Corsa the next time they get taken hostage will seriously spook them out.

5. Make a bitchy WhatsApp group and exclude them from it.

If you hadn’t heard, WhatsApp got encrypted — sad because now Obama can’t read your conversations with mum. The good news is that it makes your exclusionary group chats even more exclusionary. Drop hints of its existence by erupting into laughter, then staring at your adversary awkwardly.

6. Build a vast pyre of toast and set fire to it at an unsociable hour in the morning.

Fire alarm! Such fun.

7. Stop tagging them in ‘Tag someone who…’  Facebook posts.

You can’t better the bants of ‘tag someone who hasn’t had sex in 2016’, ‘tag a mate who looks like a rapist’ or ‘tag two friends who were previously engaged in trench warfare but were forced to stop by a UN peacekeeping force in the summer of 2003’! Everybody freaks out when their friends stop pass-agg tagging them in these things.

8. Propose marriage.

Having to turn down unwanted betrothals is so embarrassing. Your opponent will abhor the experience so much, he or she might just say yes. Then you’ll both have to endure several years of living hell!

9. Piss on them, unless they’re on fire.

Faeces, vomit and bodily fluids are always the best way to end an argument, just don’t extinguish your rival’s burning body!

10. Write non-racist things on their bananas.

‘You’re silly!’ ‘I don’t like you!’ ‘You’re a pain to share a kitchen with!’ Nearly all phrases aren’t technically hate crimes. By using non-hate crime insults, you can avoid expulsion from Warwick and court proceedings!