The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Theodora is sad, but happy because she is important and proud

Honest congratulations to our friends at the Boar, who — it has been confirmed — are good at what they do. Now for something different.

Theodora is sad, but happy because she is important and proud

The Hoar has never been nominated for, self-nominated itself for or won an award of any type. Still, Theodora would’t want to miss out on publicly patting her arse. 

I’m so proud of everybody who has helped me achieve incredible things in this really hard period in my life. I have done incredible things I didn’t think I could do. I’m very happy. It’s because I didn’t know how important I am.

I am very important. I do things that I know are hard and then people say I do them well out of politeness and I smile. I do things very well. All things. I’m actually very good. A lot of people say so.

When I’m more important than you, I’ll probably remember you all as my little people. You’re only small, but you’ve been very supportive. We’ve had some mad nights. We’ve had some really mad nights. Haha. Tequila. I don’t drink tequila because I don’t like it. But people say ‘tequila’ when they are getting drunk on a mad one.

I feel privileged to have accepted your support. You’re ok. You know, hardly equivalent to me, but you’re acceptable. I’ve honestly never been happier than I am right now. It’s so sad. I’m really happy.

I think my legacy is important. I’m scared my legacy might not be as incredible as I have been. I know it will be though. People said so. People won’t forget me because I am so much better than them.

When I have an opinion, it’s actually a fact. If you think about it, it’s just completely true. That’s because I have excellent judgement. People have told me that too.

This is really sad. I’m so happy. I’m feeling so many things. I’m so proud of my people. So happy. It’s been really hard. So sad.

Thank you for acknowledging that I’m outstanding.