The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

I wrote my entire dissertation in three and a half minutes

And he failed, of course.

I wrote my entire dissertation in three and a half minutes

Some spend months on their dissertations, conducting deep research, methodically planning, and producing work that they can genuinely be sort of proud of. Some spend hours working on their dissertation, doing ‘limited research’ and just about writing sentences that make sense. Others will leave it until three and a half minutes before the deadline to start anything.

A former student, who has asked to remain unnamed, now 28, managed to write 48 words in well under four minutes for his History degree at the University of Warwick. He attempted to beat all the records of anyone writing a dissertation, so that he could congratulate himself via a student comment site several years after graduation.

“I opened my laptop like an hour before the deadline, but I thought ‘I only work well under pressure’, so I ate a couple of bags of Hula Hoops and had a quick wank. Then I tried to write it but realised I’d left it way too late. You can’t physically write 15,000 words in three and a half minutes. Even if you try really, really hard.”

When asked why he’d left it so late, he said: “I thought that if I wrote on it that I’d done it in three and a half minutes they might add a few extra marks, but apparently that’s not how it works.”

He admits he probably should have started earlier: “I tend to leave things until the last minute, but this was probably taking the piss a bit. My friends said I was crazy and that I would fail, and it turns out they were definitely right about that.”

He emailed his personal tutor asking for an extension, claiming he had had “panic attacks” and “anxiety issues”, but couldn’t provide evidence for this because he was lying. His tutor had no idea who he was anyway.

As for the people who spent a long time on their dissertations, he said “yeah, they probably deserve it. I realise that now. I thought I could be one of those guys you read about on the Tab, but it turns out I’m just really lazy.”

Would he do it again?

“No. I failed my degree and missed out on the Grad Scheme I had lined up. I work in Boots now and my parents don’t really speak to me any more.”