The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

De-stress at your desk: touch yourself

PleaseBeHappyWarwick’s ‘mastubatorium’ event is set to return “more often than they’d care to admit”.

De-stress at your desk: touch yourself

Come exam season; some turn to caffeine, some to modafinil, and some to re-runs of Friends with a bottle of Asda house red. Yet the mind altering substance wave making its way through the dreary library colonades is not found in little white pills — but in the friendly cocktail of oxytocin, dopamine, and prolactin. All thanks to the latest programme of events by every student’s favourite squeezy ball dealer — the study happy team.

Creaky chairs were always going to be a problem.

“There were some reservations amongst members of the committee” notes Will E Milkwood, “not to mention some hard obstacles” — but with some rhythmic persuasion, eventually “everyone came to agree, the project should be hit out as soon as possible”.

Hands where we can see ‘em.
“Hands where we can see ‘em.”

Creaky chairs were always going to be a problem. Although the solution was pretty simple: make every chair so poorly oiled that they croak violently everytime anyone so much as fidgits. The result being that nobody would know who in the room is simply tapping away at their keyboard, and who instead is fiddling with their mousepad.

Unusual breathing patterns didn’t pose a huge issue either. “It seems that everyone’s got some kind of fucking cold right now,” moans Kathy C, Lit student. Hence unusual gasps and grunts slipt quite under the radar.

for once, it’s nice not to do it in Jephson Gardens

All that remained was to provide heavy coats and tissues from a smiley desk at the entrance. The rest was left up to the students, who apparently didn’t need further instruction.

It’s like she’s really there.
“It’s like it’s really Sandra.”

One such student, Hitha Spit, was impressed by the initiative, “to be honest, the stress at this time of year leads me to publicly masturbate a lot anyway”, he confides over a half-peeled banana, “for once, it’s nice not to do it in Jephson Gardens”.

“It didn’t last as long as I’d hoped,” complained Bettie Bishop

Yet, polishing the pearl in the campus oyster of wisdom didn’t tickle the magic for everyone. “It didn’t last as long as I’d hoped,” complained Bettie Bishop, over a buffed muffin, “but, I had set quite a bit of time aside for it, so, once I’d settled, I helped my neighbour with hers for a while… if nothing else, I made a new friend”. When asked if she’d do the same again, she responded, “only when things become a little more quiet, I don’t to want to rub up against any deadlines”.

Launching in the next few weeks are ‘dogging de-stress days’

Fortunately, #studystrokes isn’t the climax of welfare based term 3 activity. Launching in the next few weeks are ‘dogging de-stress days’, where random groups of five will be allocated the keys to a grimey Fiat Panda, (shurely Nat Panda? Ed.) and given both a bag of condoms and directions to an obscure car park in the countryside. There will even be ‘dog distressing days’, for those who need to take out their caffeinated frustration on a helpless canine.

For now though, the two finger tango past the entrance turnstiles, and sub-desk own-Koan cuddling will leave everyone, except the cleaners, with a wry smile.