The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

257 faster ways to get to campus

Busses are shit and they always will be.

257 faster ways to get to campus

Thankfully, a herd of hoary realists have rectified the sitch.

1. Live on campus.


2. Walk (but walk fast).


3. Helicopter.


4. Don’t live far away from campus.

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5. If it takes you a long time to get to campus, change the way you get to campus.


6. Petition for Campus to be relocated.


7. Petition for Leamington to be relocated.


8. Live in Leamington’s northernmost tip.

9. Genetically modify a horse so that it can fly, then ride it.

10. Leave 10 minutes earlier and imagine that you’ve knocked 10 minutes off your route.

11. Seize the means of production.

12. Break the speed limit.

13. Don’t go to campus.

14. Dig a canal, buy a speedboat.

15. Redirect the existing canal, buy a speedboat.

16. Leave the existing canal in its present form, buy a car.

17. Drop out of university.

18. Become a society president, use your ancillary execs to pull your chariot.

19. If in doubt, bomb scare.

20. Enact class war.

21. Only travel to campus outside of school term times.

22. Reduce school term times.

23. Remove school term times.

24. Remove school children.

25. Create mass regional unemployment.

26. Break up the unions.

27. Lower local wages, making it impossible for most people to afford cars.

28. Hoard scrap metal, raising the price of cars.

29. Stimulate the Chinese economy, raising the price of cars.

30. Poison the water supply.

31. Hire Viet-cong vets to dig you network of tunnels.

32. Live in Canley.

33. Move into a small tent in Canon Park.

34. Walk (but walk faster).

35. Onions.

36. Drink Lucozade.

37. Ride like the wind.

38. Go contactless.

39. Travel only during nuclear apocalypses.

40. Walk (but walk fastest).

41. Jog.

41. Hold up. Hey.

42. Pack your bag more efficiently.

43. Do not carry a firearm, only a small knife.

44. Red Bull gives you wings.

45. Move at a high speed.

46. If you arrive in the wrong place, don’t sweat — just roll with it!

47. Lubricate your shoes properly.

48. Pray more.

49. Intel Inside.

50. Washing machines last longer with Calgon.

51. Almost nobody actually needs to carry all of Michael Caine to campus each day. Try going to campus without Michael Caine!

52. Do not amputate both legs. One is enough!

53. Well somebody told me you had a boyfriend, who looked like a girlfriend.

54. Complete your journey in a short time.

55. Invest in a pair of sporty fashion trainers.

56. Convert to a superior species.

57. “Sorry sir, this is a one way street”.

58. “Oh shit, haha, I’m new here, sorry”.

59. “No worries. Halstead is a real maze”.

60. “Say, you couldn’t point me in the way of the co-op”.

61. “Sure, take a right at the mini-roundabout, past a construction site, take a left, and follow your nose ‘till your there”.

62. “That’s great tah”.

63. Call an embattled local resident ‘cheap prole scum’, and then use the subsequent adrenaline rush to force you into dangerous driving decisions.

64. Drill baby, drill.

65. Create shitty listicles on the bus, it’ll make time pass quicker.

66. Don’t prepare for a presentation, travel immediately before it is scheduled.

67. Be a cunt, elbow your way to the front of any bus queue.

68. Search for a route that is 100% downhill, cycle.

69. lol, who would have thought we’d get to 69.

70. Do exactly the same as 68, but for the return.

71. Don’t write pointless articles to avoid going to uni.

72. Don’t read pointless articles to avoid going to uni.

73. Arrange to beaten up upon arrival, the fear will make the journey fly by.

74. Don’t go to campus.

75. Lie about the number of points in your list of advice.

257. Give up, reality is horrible, accept the lack of meaning in your future life, commit to hermitude.