Mysterious illness strikes the history department ‘on essay deadline day’
Extensions have been granted to over 200 seriously ill History students.
On Thursday, a mysterious illness plagued second year history students, leading to over 200 being granted an extension on their long essays. The illness couldn’t have come at a worse time for the aspiring historians, on the day that 13,500 words worth of essays were due.
There seems to be an insulting conspiracy theory circulating that the history department just wants to hand out 2:1s.
Head of history, Shmeat Bubin, responded to the news by declaring this to be ‘the worst historians have suffered from disease since the Black Death in the 1300s.’ He continued ‘this sudden outbreak of sickness was as unexpected as the German invasion of the Soviet Union in 1941.’
In a statement unusually lacking a historical reference, the professor of early modern toenail infection trends across Europe quashed rumours surrounding the questionable occurrence: “There seems to be an insulting conspiracy theory circulating that the history department just wants to hand out 2:1s. This simply isn’t the case. We are all just very concerned about the wellbeing of our students.”
The history department wasn’t in complete unison over the decision to gift the students long essay extension, however. Some tutors were sceptical about so many students falling ill at such a crucial time. Bubin described the heated discussion the teaching staff had as a ‘historiographical debate as intense as that surrounding Great British intentions for acquiring a global empire in the age of expansion.’
Some tutors were sceptical about so many students falling ill at such a crucial time.
Mr Bubin has since been marching around campus in a 14th century witch doctors outfit chanting magic spells and flicking herbs at bewildered students, in attempt to cure the epidemic.
Coughing, sneezing and suffering from a high temperature, I should probably start my essay on the role that sixteenth century Ottoman architecture played in projecting the power of the sultan within the Empire. At the time of writing I have 24 hours to write 4500 words.
No second year history students were available to comment on the matter. One student is believed to be in a critical but stable condition in the intensive care unit at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital Birmingham.