The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Warwick students officially ‘run out of things to talk about’

After two whole weeks of Term 3 at Warwick University, a recent study has found that all students have completely run out things to say to each other.

Warwick students officially ‘run out of things to talk about’

After exhausting every single variation of conversation involving exams, essays, or dissertations, they have been forced to simply avoid all contact with all people they have ever spoken to.

Questions such as; ‘How was your Easter?’ were swiftly proved to be futile, as it was revealed that no one has ever done anything remotely interesting with their Easter holidays, and asking people how many Easter eggs they received has not been acceptable since the age of 10.

Many students have even resorted to making light of the fact that they are incapable of maintaining conversation that isn’t mind-numbingly dull. Unfortunately, phrases such as: “God, we’re all so boring”, and “I really can’t wait for these exams to be over so we can talk about other stuff”, have also proved to be equally tedious.

Any somewhat interesting topics of conversation have all been turned swiftly back inane exam-chat. Exchanges along the lines of:

“So, Leicester won the title then?”

“Yeah, it’s amazing. I mean, if Leicester City can win the title, I can definitely pass these exams.”

…and, “It’s so warm all of a sudden!”

“Yeah, it’s amazing. I mean, I assume it is. It’s difficult to tell from Floor 3 Extension,” …have been alarmingly common.

Similar concerns were raised in the immediate aftermath of Freshers, but it has become clear that without considerable alcohol intake, many students now regularly fall short of a tolerable level of things to say for themselves.