The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Vote called on Warwick SU’s return to feudal monarchism

“The only way to properly and fairly represent students is through the divine right of kings.”

Vote called on Warwick SU’s return to feudal monarchism

Warwick SU confirmed last night that a pro-pseudo-feudal-monarchy petition has been validated. The petition will be discussed at a third All Student Meeting scheduled immediately after the previous two, next Monday.

The controversial petition calls for the Student’s Union to withdraw from the rule of students themselves, instead adopting a pseudo-feudal monarchy system where all students pledge fealty to a departmental Liege Lord, in return for noblesse oblige discounts on beer and grain. Peter Toffily-Sensible, vice chancellor of the Warwick Conservatives, explained that “students have proven themselves time and again an undemocratic body who simply do not represent the opinions of the majority of students, such as me.

“It’s intolerable. I think things, and I’m very clever, but when I say them no-one listens to me. This can’t be right.”

The average Warwick Student, pictured reclining in a comfortable Rootes bedroom.

Motion seconder Johnson Peter-Johnson, Grand Wizard (Not a Racist) of the Warwick Conservatives, insisted further, “the echo chamber of students listening to each other must be broken down into a more modern, sensible, representative system, where everyone else on the funding exec shuts up and I get to call the shots.”

The proposed system calls for the SU to seek out a descendent of a scion of the Hapsburg line and send an envoy to offer them the hereditary position of Monarchy and Development Officer, in perpetuity, so long as the Light of God ennobles the class of Warwick Students who know what’s good for everyone.

“The only way to properly and fairly represent students is through the divine right of kings and that’s that. You are dismissed.” said another funnily-name toff from over the top of his crystal chalice.

An artist’s impression of future student council meetings.


Big name on the King’s Own Campus George Lawlor, Grand Vizier of the Warwick Conservatives, said nothing but was observed in the vicinity of these words scrawled on a whiteboard: “Oh no, you’re not getting me again. I’m saying nothing. Nil. Nada. My lips are sealed tighter than a femini- shit, shit, shit, don’t you dare print this you absolute fuckers! I have the ear of the King!”

Warwick Labour were approached for comment, but were all too busy staring hatefully and suspiciously at each other in prominent corridors around campus.

Passenger on the U12, Colin Taff, said “the All Student Meeting’s going to last twelve hours because someone’s forced through a ridiculous pet motion? What’s extraordinary about that?”