The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

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Hundreds of students suddenly gain opinions on NUS

After years of not particularly caring one way or the other, an alarming number of students across the country have suddenly acquired insightful opinions on whether their university should disaffiliate from the NUS.

Hundreds of students suddenly gain opinions on NUS

Proving particularly popular with those already involved in student politics, students have been frantically googling what the NUS actually does other than discount cards, so that they can tell their friends that it’s ‘about more than half-price Spotify premium’.

Sarah Boring, spearhead of Warwick University’s ‘Yes, yes, yes to the N-U-S’ campaign said;

“I’d forgotten that the NUS was a thing until two weeks ago. Then I saw someone mention it on Facebook and I realised I needed to have a strong opinion as soon as possible. After reading a couple of Tab articles I am now more convinced about staying in the NUS than I ever have been about anything in my life.”

Warwick SU’s sabbatical officers have all since come out in support of the ‘Yes’ campaign, after a delay caused by them having to ask the President which one would give them the least paperwork.

Andrew Nobody, self-appointed leader of the opposing ‘N-U-Execute Order 66’ campaign has responded saying;

“After being told that the NUS is actually supposed to represent the student body as a whole, I have quickly decided that they are not doing that. It costs £50,000 a year for our SU to remain affiliated. Initially this didn’t sound like a lot of money in the grand scheme of things, but then someone reminded me that for some people it is and now I am definitely really cross about this.”

Members of the out campaign have since been spotted making tiny bonfires from their NUS cards in Bluebell woods and parading through Zizzis in Leamington Spa chanting; “full-price pizza for full price people.”

“Right now, this is definitely bigger than the EU Referendum,” added Andrew, “at least until we find something else to argue about.”