The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Insignificant finance-driven community seeks to leave largely beneficial union

Business and financial service-led community will hold a vote on its membership of a politico-economic union.

Insignificant finance-driven community seeks to leave largely beneficial union

The students of the University of Warwick have petitioned their representative body, Warwick SU, to hold an emergency all student meeting to discuss the motion, ‘Should Warwick SU continue its affiliation with the National Union of Students?’. Voting on the motion will open online at 9am Tuesday 17 May and close at midday on Friday 20 May.

Remaining in the NUS would be extremely damaging for Warwick.Angie Fergal

Campaign leader for the ‘Leave’ campaign, Angie Fergal — never seen without her pint of vodka-cranberry and a tweed skirt — said in a recent speech that “unlike the SU, the NUS is an unrepresentative body of worthy student activists whom nobody voted for.

“The NUS cannot keep up with the pace of student politics. We have lost control of vital SU policies. This is damaging. We need a new relationship. If we disaffiliate from the NUS everything will get about four-hundred times better.”

Leaving the NUS would be extremely damaging for Warwick. Candida Mover

SU insider, Candida Mover, who has become a figurehead for the ‘Remain’ campaign, told the Hoar (and every other publication in the UK, several times), “Leaving the NUS would be extremely damaging for Warwick.” She declined to explain why.

In a recent statement, the Remain campaign declared, “According to Warwick SU figures, a vote to leave the NUS would result in a crippling 95 per cent increase in the price of drinks at SU bars. It would also lead to a dreadful 50 per cent decline in the effectiveness of SU workshops. This would represent an annual loss to the student of £2.09.”

The Leave campaign manifesto states that, “According to our independent experts, a vote to leave the NUS would be so beneficial as to result in a 95 per cent decrease in the price of drinks at SU bars. It would also lead to a glorious 50 per cent increase in the effectiveness of SU workshops. This would represent an annual gain for the student of £2.09.”