Which type of STI is your Tab article?
They’re embarrassing and extremely contagious.
Similarly, STIs are also kind of gross probably. So what type of nauseating venereal infection is your Tab article?
1. How to do/buy/sell drugs, by someone who has definitely done drugs
The person who gave it to you clearly had absolutely no idea what they were doing. There are worse ones, but it’s still pretty annoying.
“Here’s how to buy drugs. I’m telling you this because I have done drugs myself. I like to regularly snort drugs like cannabis and MDMA with my friends, who you wouldn’t know because they go to a different school. Drugs are cool and that’s why I take them, because I am cool and have done drugs. I also touched a boob once.”
2. Why I don’t do oral/anal/kissing/anything nice ever
A real ball blister. Herpes gives you ball blisters right? Annoying, gross, and the worse thing is the people that write these articles seem genuinely self-righteous and proud about not doing fairly mundane things like sucking willies. Then again, maybe the reason they don’t do these is because they genuinely have herpes.
3. The controversial ones
These are the one everyone hears about, just like when Freddie Mercury or that guy from Two and a Half Men got HIV. Examples include ‘This is not what a rapist looks like’ by a guy who looks suspicious, ‘Someone did a shit in Kelseys’ by someone who seemed to know a suspicious amount about the shit in Kelseys, and ‘If you don’t go a Russell Group uni don’t go to uni’ by like Boris Johnson or someone I think? Just like HIV they aren’t harmful on their own, but if you read them enough you will 100% get AIDS.
4. The Warwick 10/Warwick Power List/Warwick’s Maddest Fresher
Everyone has it. Doesn’t matter where you go in the country they have these lists and if you read them for long enough it will start to sting when you wee. Also if you nominate yourself for one of these and then claim it was ‘just for bants’, you may experience white, cloudy or watery discharge from the tip of the penis.
5. Something something patriarchy/cultural appropriation
To be honest I’m running out of STIs here, but yeah ew gross.
6. Which ____ is your ____?
Yes, that includes this article. All my friends are either getting degrees or out doing drugs and having sex, and I’m sat here in my underwear in the dark writing stupid articles because Goat Simulator 2016 crashed. Anyway, why syphilis? Because that’s what I’ve got. I have syphilis. I’ve actually had it for a while now. I’m so sorry Sarah, I should have told you before — this was just the easiest way. I’d go to the GUM clinic sooner rather than later.