The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Special: some contributors don’t like the SU

A hefty bunch of the articles left at the door of the Hoar are rightist attacks on the SU.

Special: some contributors don’t like the SU

One such critique might be enough, two too many, and any more enough to push the Hoar firmly out of the SU’s favour. Being in the SU’s favour is not an important Hoar priority.

Not being boring, however, is. So too is not tying ourselves to an ideological stance. For that reason, a couple of our contributors’ better assaults upon the Union are combined here, followed by something entirely different.

1. Post-Wexit Warwick SU bans capitalism

Plans to ban capitalism have been announced, following last term’s SU elections.

‘Taking down capitalism as well, that’s always a bonus’, a spokesperson accidentally said.

Today, under the threat of more student activists standing in front of buses, proponents of the free market were left with no choice but to capitulate. Capitalism had previously been widely regarded as the most successful economic system and credited with benefiting populations by raising living standards. World leaders have reacted in shock to this landmark decision but had to admit: ‘[SU leadership] made it sound like we’d be better off without it’.

One students waiting in the two hour queue outside the newly renamed People’s Grocery Store commented:

‘It’s nice that everyone’s equal now but I do miss having private property’.

The world now turns to the executive of the SU, which is expected to announce its plans for an alternative economic system sometime next week.

2. Warwick campus to be officially rebranded as a satellite state of the former USSR

This move comes from growing Communist sympathies on campus from extremist left-wing students, making unreasonable demands such as affordable and accessible education for all students. With such extremist sentiments as these, it was only a matter of time before the Koan was replaced with a 10 foot bronze statue of Lenin himself.

This decision was made public following months of trepidation from students, heightened when the ‘S’ sign was finally replaced next to the ‘U’ on the Student’s Union building earlier this academic year.

“They just won’t tell us what the S in SU stands for,” said Jeremy Home-Counties, a second year philosophy student, “Socialist Union? Stalin Union? Soviet Union? When will this left wing autocracy end?”

Later in 2016 the rebranding will be rolled out throughout the university, with the role of Vice-Chancellor to become Vice-Comrade, and Warwick Business School to become Warwick Bolshevik School.

3. In defence of students’ unions and the government


Recently the Huffington Post released an article entitled ‘In Defense of Student’s Unions’ which we here at the Hoar [Sorry contributor, but that’s ‘you there in your room’ — the Hoar is an non-opinionated nonentity. Ed.] feel missed its mark. Glossing over the most damning issues of Students Unions and casting all students as one mass — besides those pesky free speech lovers — the article casts all blame on the government. Shameful, especially when the real villain here is obvious to everyone: Lizard People.

Yes, you read that correctly, the scaly, shape shifting bastards who really control the ‘villainous’ government. We all know they exist, somewhere in the highest reaches of power they sit, impersonating real humans.

The government is not to blame for crippling our beloved and SU, nor as the writer of the article says is it the scapegoat of safe space policy, it is the Lizards. Forget safe spaces, freedom of speech or politicized disempowerment by the government, when the lizards shed their human appearances and really start taking action none of that will matter.

The government does not see universities as “Conveyor Belts” that “Pit students against their peers in the pursuit of Money.” No worse still it is the government that is a conveyor belt, leading right into the scaly maw of our secret cold-blooded overlords.

Student’s Unions are indeed a valuable place for training and supporting the future generation, in warfare. While fighting for LGBT rights and enforcing opinions on campus SUs across the nation must also begin fighting the real good fight: human liberation from our lizard masters. If you can do it in your union — and by it we mean stab a lizard in its slimy heart—then you can do it on a national stage!