Thing is, when someone offers to publish everything chucked their way, they have to do just that.

1. Anti-Viking hate crimes follow ‘De-colonising Warwick’ event

A series of what can only be described as racially motivated attacks against bearded, muscular men from Denmark came shortly after a ‘decolonising Warwick’ event took place, the Hoar regrets to report.

The event was intended to raise awareness of the eleventh century Nordic invasion of the British Isles, specifically the Warwick area, and to highlight the obscene amounts of privilege and power that students and faculty members with long beards, axes, and names like ‘Olaf’ still have to this day. It was organised by the Warwick Anglo-Saxon society, who quite rightly are concerned with the continued oppression of their race and the deeply rooted anti-Saxon prejudice that still pervades society.

But after the event took place, a group of Viking men were apparently verbally abused. According to one of the victims, a Saxon group who had been attending the event started yelling slurs, such as ‘Danskjävlar’, ‘damn Nordeners’, and perhaps most insultingly ‘fjord huggers’.

Witnesses claim that the attackers also mocked the Vikings’ accents by shouting ‘holdy boldy barbecue’, describing it as ‘very racist, but surprisingly accurate’. The Vikings were apparently very halberd-ed by the experience, which sources tell us is their equivalent of being triggered.

Some were not as sympathetic to the plight of the victims. One passer-by told us, “They can’t have been assaulted. To assault someone you need power and privilege, which these Saxons simply don’t have at this university!” Another student wore a #killallvikings shirt, and flatly refused to be approached for comment.

The event was off to a shaky start, when a group of annoyed history students pointed out to the organisers that the Nordic assault on the North of England was more characteristic of an invasion than colonisation. They disrupted the proceedings at the beginning, but calmed down when they realised that the coffee shops around campus had started to open. This minor distraction aside, tickets and privileges were checked and the day was ready to begin.

The main focus of the day were the WOKEshops, where awake people participated in groups discussing subjects as broad as making students safer by preventing Vikings carrying their axes everywhere, how the statue of King Knut is sexist and should be taken down, and how the horniness of their helmets contribute to rape culture on campus. Apparently there were also SLEEPshops, but their debate was reported to be less lively.

2. Ramble: can we award more thirds to idiots?

It’s alright, I get it. You want a job at the end of your degree.

Well, I’ll let you in on a secret; so does everybody else. The idea that you need a first to get one is silly. The idea that if we award everyone a first then we’ll all end up with jobs is even sillier.

Walk into the library on any day of the week and have a wander. I guarantee you’ll spot plenty of people sitting scrolling through insert generic social network, or having a natter, or staring at a blank document with a title and a flashing cursor. It could hardly be called ‘working,’ could it? Yet I’m also confident that if you ask any of those people what degree classification they think they’ll get, you won’t get an answer anything lower than a 2:1. And I’m fairly sure we’d find similar situations in pretty much every university in the UK. (Except perhaps Coventry — the sheer effort of vocalising their thoughts is simply too much for one of these students, and would simply leave them a dribbling wreck for the rest of the day.)

We are a generation of individuals with one colossal self-entitlement complex. As soon as we are given a task where independent learning or genuine thought is required, we are reduced to quivering wrecks. People talk about exams being ‘too difficult’, or assignment questions being ‘too vague’. Bollocks. Exams should be hard. Assignments should be challenging. Your tutor should be able to tell you you’re spouting gibberish. University should be tough.

I’ll admit, the problem runs through the system. Back at GCSE and A-Level, no thought was ever really required: rote-learn the content, play the mark scheme, and out would come an A on that nice results day sheet. University should be the place where that changes. Ideally, if you’re thick, this should be bad news: you’ll still come out with a degree, but it will only be a 2:2 or a third. However, for the more gifted (yes, contrary to what your primary school teacher had you believe, some people are in fact more clever than others) this is great. Work hard, and away you walk with a 2:1 or a first. The problem is, this is no longer happening. We are blindly walking into a world where everyone achieves, and no-one significantly more than anyone else. To quote the Tory MP, Jacob Reese-Mogg, completely out of context: ‘I’m not a fan of this new age drippiness’.

I like to think I’m fairly intelligent. More intelligent than some of my course mates? Yeah, I’d say so. So rightfully, I’d like a better degree classification than them. And I’d like Warwick to acknowledge my intellectual superiority by awarding these lower achievers lower degree classifications, so my eventual 2:1 or first is more noteworthy.

The truth is, I’m a bit useless at lots of other things. In terms of the genetic lottery, about the only thing I won was a brain that’s reasonably good at retaining information for exams. On the football pitch at school I would never be man of the match (or whatever it’s called) because I have all the coordination of a drunken three-legged baboon. And I was alright with this, because I knew that when it came to the end of year tests I’d thump the chaps who repeatedly thumped me at football, or rugby, or cricket, or whatever the game being played was. There’s a sense of justice in that.

I could go on with these incoherent ramblings, but I think that by this point you’ve got the gist of what I’m saying. (Assuming you’re not a rugby player, in which case you gave up on the whole ‘reading’ thing long before you got to my paragraph about your beloved sport.) In brief, can we please award more thirds to thick people? That would be great.

[Append your own conclusion — our contributor must have been desperate for a shit or something, because this article ended fast. Ed.]

3. Warwick Anti-Downing Society seeks to end Cis White Hetero Male Patriarchy and Colonialism by challenging prevailing drinking culture

The Warwick Anti-Downing Society (WADS) has been established to challenge the cultural norm of ‘downing’ one’s drink when prompted to by one’s peers.

Stating that it is a serious problem, both on campus and nationally, the gender-neutral WADS Chair (who spoke to us on condition of strict anonymity) has sought alliances with Warwick Anti-Sexism Society and Warwick Anti-Racism Society saying that their agenda “aligns perfectly with their aims of demolishing the cis white hetero male patriarchy as well as the colonial legacies that continue to significantly oppress pretty much everyone” (obviously).

When pressed for illustrative examples and details, the Warwick Anti-Downing Society Chair pointed us in the vague direction of the “literature” and when we confessed to have no knowledge of it, the Chair proceeded to condescendingly highlight the very real issues.

“All too often, the chants begin along the lines of ‘We like to drink with [victim] cos [victim] is our mate, and when we drink with [victim], he downs his drink in 8, 7, 6… and the countdown begins.” The Chair explained with excruciating detail whilst trying to bury the trauma of the past. “What’s more, if the victim fails to down their drink, they are immediately branded a “gayboy”; this homophobic slur is clearly an invention of the cis white hetero male patriarchy.”

Acknowledging the Chair’s deep, grave, and valid concerns, our reporters proceeded to question him about the equally bizarre content of what happens when the victim of peer-pressured downing actually finishes his/her/its drink. “When the victim finishes their drink, their peers subsequently adopt a facade of approval and acceptance. This may seem benign but, nevertheless, all it does is reinforce a drinking culture that perpetuates patriarchal norms (including rape culture) and colonial legacies.”

Intrigued particularly by his citation colonial influences, our reporters continued questioning the Warwick Anti-Downing Society Chair whilst our fact-checkers continued to neglect their clearly unimportant coursework and exam revision in light of their newfound quest to find the aforementioned “literature” on ‘downing’.

“This one time, I saw a Black student – or maybe he was Chinese or Indian or something — successfully ‘downing’ a drink when prompted to by largely cis white hetero male peers. This was clearly a way of disciplining him/her/it into historical colonial power structures because, obviously, when white people interact with black people, they’re only looking to reinforce imperialist mindsets even if they claim that they are friends. Sorry, I called the victim black, he/she/it may have also been Chinese, Indian or Irish. You can never tell because colonialist legacies are just so widespread and rampant. Fortunately, I’m largely immune to the mindset by which people ‘Other’ others. Oh? You don’t know what ‘Othering’ is? There’s loads of literature on it — seriously just take a look. It’s not all your fault for being so insensitive and oppressive though, we seriously need a liberated curriculum that isn’t just filled with white males who ‘down’ alcoholic beverages.”

Whilst our reporters felt extremely guilty at their shameful, oppressive, and destructive ignorance, they mustered up the courage to ask the seemingly all-knowing Warwick Anti-Downing Society Chair about the previous contention that the norm of ‘downing’ drinks actually perpetuates “rape culture”. At this, he pointed us in the general direction of the Men’s Rugby team, whom we then quizzed.

We interviewed a Rugby player who would only refer to himself as ‘Shlid’. When asked about this, the self-proclaimed Shlid explained that “the lads say I have a shit lid so they call me Shlid.” Satisfied with his thorough answer, we proceeded to ask him about the links between ‘downing’ drinks and ‘rape culture’.

“Well, this one time, we went on the lash the night before a game with Loughborough Men’s and we got absolutely raped the next day.” Shlid eloquently told us. At that moment, it became clear to us that drinking’s role in perpetuating rape culture may not just be confined to Warwick, but may also involve Loughborough. As the story began to unravel before us, our Editor suggested that we set up a network of investigative journalists across the world but we decided against it because we did not want to detract from the importance of the Panama Papers (for the moment).

When we pressed Shlid further on whether “going on the lash” often involves ‘downing’ the drinks, he responded “Can’t remember, mate.” Not satisfied with his cryptic response, our reporters proceeded to ask him whether he had ever been called a “gayboy” for not adequately downing a drink when prompted to by his peers. Shlid promptly responded, “No, that would be tight. I’m not gay, I’ve only got a shit lid.”

Upon returning to the Warwick Anti-Downing Society Chair, we we planned to inform him/her/it of the irrefutable, startling evidence we had unearthed. However, the Chair had other plans and told us of new alliances he had made. “I’m actually in talks with Warwick For Free Education to hold a demo to disrupt buses across the country because drinking is such an integral part of Higher Education and ‘downing’ drinks is actually a considerable strain on students’ budgets so now WADS is working on smashing capitalism alongside WFFE — one bus service disruption at a time.”

Absolutely amazed by the astounding conviction of the Chair, we asked whether there were plans for any more alliances now that Warwick Anti-Downing Society was on a mission to destroy patriarchy, capitalism, and colonialism all at once. “Yes,” he/she/it responded, “I’m in contact with the British Pagan Council because I believe that ‘downing’ drinks is actually a cultural appropriation since it was witches, shamans, and druids who adopted the practice to feel at one with Nature. We clearly have no right to culturally appropriate from already marginalised communities – I mean, we’re living in the 21st century and the Witchcraft Act of 1735 outlawed punishing people from practicing witchcraft and here we are just downing drinks and not acknowledging the fact that we burnt all those poor witches without even offering reparations.”

At press time, the British Pagan Council, Warwick For Free Education, Warwick Anti-Sexism Society and Warwick Anti-Racism Society were not called for comment, mainly because our reporters had grown tired of the story as I’m sure any reader that’s made it this far probably has. Nevertheless, our Editor insisted that as we ask the Warwick Anti-Downing Society Chair about why he/she/it does not just simply swap alcoholic beverages for non-alcoholic beverages.

The Warwick Anti-Downing Society Chair immediately stuck his/her/its middle finger up at us whilst proclaiming that we were all cis white hetero male, colonialist, imperialist, culturally appropriating, racist, rapist patriarchs that may or may not be Black, Indian, Chinese or Irish. Our reporter on the scene, herself a first-year pre-op transgender lesbian, self-reported feeling a deep sense of guilt for single-handedly perpetuating the oppressive capitalist, colonial, patriarchal drink ‘downing’ culture.

4. We are Warwick Five Free Education

And we’re even better than your standard activists.

Thousands of students each year flock to Warwick University, each of them bright and eager to learn more about their chosen degree. Full of ambition, drive, and desire, the little freshlings arrive excited yet nervous about their next three to four years.  Whether they study History, Art, or even History of Art, one thing unites them all, a common denominator that each and every student at Warwick shares.

They all knew exactly how much their degree was going to cost and willingly agreed to pay it.

It’s awful, isn’t it. Outrageous, some would suggest, that both the University and our Tory Scum™ government demand that we actually repay these loans that they provide. The notion that students only start to pay back their loans once they are earning significant amounts of money is absurd, and the idea behind paying proportionally to your income is, well, laughable.

Nobody should ever have to pay any money for this commodity. Education up to the age of 18 is absolutely not enough, and it is bordering on blasphemy to even suggest that Higher Education, despite it’s misleading name, is anything but entirely necessary in order for people to be able to function in day-to-day life.

Once our inevitably swift success with our current campaign draws to an end, we shall be announcing plans for our newest endeavours, Warwick5FreeMoney5Everyone and Warwick5FreeLuxuryYachts, because everyone deserves more money (that’s how it works, we promise).