The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Warwick university’s study spaces ranked

Because the wait for a library seat is now longer than a U17.

Warwick university’s study spaces ranked

Because the wait for a library seat is now longer than a U17.

As any master procrastinator will know, the space you choose to be your zen-zone plays a huge role in your success or failure. It ultimately could make the difference as to whether you walk away with a third, head in hands lamenting the inevitable tide of unemployment wearing down the shores of your youth, or celebrating a high first with a middle finger in the face of every underperforming Oxbridge student.

So in an ironic avoidance of the topic of discussion, we can officially now rate Warwick’s study spaces for you, from the obvious to downright ridiculous.


The Library Whilst this may seem like the obvious place to learn, the oppressive, monotonous rows of books tower over you like a skyscraper in a rainforest and induce some weird psychological effects. Imagine cabin fever but more middle class and with an unhealthy dose of postmodernism. If you don’t go mad from the pin drop-level silence, or the library account’s indignant twitter spamming, chances are you’ll be racially abused by a textbook. Even if that’s your thing, you’ll probably have to wait longer for a seat than a U17. 4/10


The Learning Grid All hail the learning grid! Situated in University House, not so far from the distant throws of Westwood, it offers a fine balance between moderate quietness and comfort with a range of sofas even ikea would be proud of. Some of the Film department’s pretentiousness has also leaked through as the café’s artisan sandwiches offer light relief from your studies. The prevalence of windows means that natural light keeps you on the safe side of sanity and puts the Learning Grid at the top of a somewhat undesirable pyramid. 8/10

SUHQ Believe it or not our SU building does offer ample study spaces for term three. The SU second floor has special tables for quiet studying and the quiet buzz of natural activity makes it a conducive place to work. Its glass ceiling remind you that the outside world exists and there’s intellectual stimulation in the form of the eternally unanswerable question ‘How do you pronounce xananas’. You could even go upstairs and present a student radio show if you get bored, though why on earth anyone would want to god only knows. 6/10


The Atrium Like the SU, but with 10x more Bread oven. 7/10

warwick_spring3Outside Hello weary traveller, I see you have placed your fate in the hands of the British weather. Big Mistake. Do you think the Library will welcome you back with open arms given the soggy state of those borrowed books? Or will they more likely slap on a £30 fine and rain a million shades of shame down on your fresh air fuelled fecklessness? On a serious note, it can be wonderful if persistently sunny. 0-10/10

Potentially the only eatery in the world with a shit in it’s logo.

The Dirty Duck Cheap(ish) food, reasonable space and decent music on occasion. Could do much worse but there’s enough distractions to turn your 2000 word essay grind into a 300 word case of daily damage limitation. 3/10

Bet you never noticed the Terrence Bar ceiling is copper.

Terrace Bar Good god look at yourself! It’s 2 o’clock and you’ve already had three pints of Carling. Bus stop prices don’t even start for another four hours and you’ve just spilled purple down your new white t shirt. Get yourself back to the learning grid and come back at 8pm when you can at least pretend you’ve earned it. 2 pints/10

11Pop If you think Robbie Williams can offer you protection from a 3rd, you’ve got another thing coming. You’re mad and probably under the influence of something. 0/10

_pvm0796In the shadow of the Koan Bathe in the reassuring glow of Warwick’s most loved location. Let it be your Muse as your problems sink away in a tumultuous mix of apathy of sweet release. It has been here before you and will be here long after. Its sheer absurdity makes you realise university isn’t that big a deal after all. You can only take yourself so seriously when you go to an institution where the biggest landmark looks like an alien sex toy. ∞/10