The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Warwick ‘ranks first’ in official Boar league table

A brand new league table published by da Boar has shown once again that Warwick comes on top with only minor data meddling and narrowed criteria.

Warwick ‘ranks first’ in official Boar league table

The excellent ranking sets itself apart from the rest by taking into account more student-friendly indicators that the more purist tables may not pick up on — things like number of societies, Scrabble word score, and how close to Coventry the university is.

The Boar decided to compile the list to appease swathes of frustrated students, who couldn’t understand why no other tables backed their gut feeling that Warwick was at the top.

We think we are the best university. We need data that show this.

And the Boar League Table (BLT) makes for some interesting reading – Coventry University is sandwiched neatly between Warwick and nearby Birmingham City, with Oxford and Cambridge, where we all secretly hoped they belonged, 48th and 57th, respectively.

“These figures build on our already solid reputation of being the best university within a 1 mile radius,” a spokesperson for the Boar happily proclaimed, “as well as the world leader in MORSE and PAIS.”

While some sceptics have criticised the publication for being ‘wishful’ and ‘utter shite,’ these allegations have been largely dismissed by the overjoyed student body.

One student perfectly summed up the happy reaction: “Now I know that when I scrape my 2:1, I’ll scrape it at the best university in the UK. For some reason, that matters.”