The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Science student bursts into flames after not mentioning how many exams he has for 10 consecutive minutes

Emergency services were called to the scene of a kitchen fire in Rootes L-block last night.

Science student bursts into flames after not mentioning how many exams he has for 10 consecutive minutes

The blaze was apparently caused by a build-up of resentment felt by Malcolm Wringwald, a first year maths and physics student, towards those with a relaxing term three.

Molly Coddle, first year English literature student and flatmate of the inflamed Wringwald, said that “all of us were just in the kitchen, drinking vodka out of a bin and snorting ket off the microwave, just a standard Tuesday night, when suddenly Malcolm runs in with this frantic look on his face. I could tell he wanted someone to ask him how he was so that he could go off on one about all of his exams, but he had been really getting on our nerves all week and we were trying to have a good time, so we just ignored him.

“He just stood there looking expectantly at us for a bit, but when no-one engaged him he began acting a bit strangely. To start with, he just opened and closed his mouth for a few minutes. Then he suddenly sprinted to the other end of the kitchen and leapt fully into the sink.

She continued, “We were beginning to get a little worried at this point, but we all knew that Malcolm was a bit eccentric — we assumed he’d just been staring at some equations for too long and he had been really annoying recently, so we just ignored him.

“He spent a couple of minutes rocking backwards and forwards in the sink and bleating like a sheep to the tune of Rule Britannia, and then suddenly backflipped out of the sink and burst into flames.

“This was when we knew for sure that something was wrong.”

Another flatmate and PAIS fresher, Jayesh Mudgal, told us “It was just such a bizarre thing to happen. I was absolutely off my face, so at the time I just laughed and sang “I have never seen Malcolm burn to death” at him. It was only when the firemen put an axe through our kitchen door that I realised just how serious a violently flaming flatmate was.”

The physics department has denied Wringwald’s request for mitigating circumstances, citing his continuing ability for cohesive thought as a basis for him to sit his exams.