The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Top 10 things the NUS has abolished

A quick list of the best decisions made by our glorious leaders.

Top 10 things the NUS has abolished

In light of the recent decision by the NUS to call for the abolishment of prisons in the UK, The Hoar has posed the question – what next for the NUS?

Here’s a proposed abolition firing line for the NUS, for an enjoyable test, try and discern which ones have actually been called for.

*jazz hands*

1. Prisons.

Obviously at the top of the list, this stroke of social policy genius is just one example of how the NUS are really at the cutting edge of political thought.

2. Gay men’s reps in LGBT societies.

Everyone knows that gay men have it far too easy nowadays, what with all the new anti-discrimination and marriage equality laws being passed, and so the NUS quite rightly decided to cast them out.

3. That weird guy from your halls, you know the one.

You know, that one who never talks when he’s in the kitchen, who’s always shouting at his Xbox, who you are sure has been in your room when you were out and stolen some of your underwear? Well worry no more; he’s out of there.

4. Human sacrifices to the Dark Lord Lucifer.

Okay, we’re not so sure that we agree with this one, but from now on it will be frowned upon to make human sacrifices to our lord and master Beelzebub in the SU of any university still affiliated with the NUS. But on the bright side, goats are still fair game.

5. Lincoln University, Newcastle University, among others. 

After universities across the country left the NUS, our glorious leaders have decided the only appropriate way to deal with these schisms is to just pretend that they don’t exist. Good on them.

6. Any remaining shred of credibility.

The NUS, being so attuned to the hearts and minds of students, have decided that the best way to represent its members is to present itself as the country as a whole sees students; a mob of selfish, lazy children. Whoever said the NUS is not representative?

8. The number 7.

According to the Bible, God created the world in seven days. Therefore, as we can all agree, the NUS have decided that this number is a relic of a single-faith society, and its inclusion in our counting system is oppressive to us all.

9. Platforms of any kind.

Not content at keeping their no-platforming policy to racist or radical speakers, the NUS have decided to remove every kind of platform, including, but not limited to, platform shoes, platform games and the 10m platform.

10. Anti-Semitism.

Malia Bouattia has repeatedly been accused of anti-semitism, and, as the head of the NUS, she cannot be seen to be bigoted in any way. The solution? Declare that anti-semitism does not exist. Bravo.