Sir David Attenborough confirms that he is “not planning a fucking uni tour”

After seeing the defeated and hollow expressions of prominent children’s entertainers Paul and Barry Chuckle, the veteran documentary maker has thrown out plans for a nightclub tour.

Sir David Attenborough confirms that he is “not planning a fucking uni tour”

The hours are shit, the pay means nothing to him by now, and you can’t get any decent fucking ket in uni nightclubs.

“I’m just going to stick to marvelling at bats and shit, I’ve done pretty much everything under the sun in my life — why the fuck would I want to stay up until 3am just so sweaty nobodies can update their profile pictures?

“I’m really just hoping to sit out my last days with crosswords, worthers originals, and offhand comments about human culling,” David exclaimed as we sat on his veranda, marvelling at fossilised egg perched on his coffee table.

His stance is entirely understandable — as the experienced once-somebody-now-the-highlight-of-a-drunk-night Stavros Flatley explains: “The hours are shit, the pay means nothing to him by now, and you can’t get any decent fucking ket in uni nightclubs”.

The announcement has flustered hopeful students wishing to express their reluctance to grow up by unironically clinging to childhood heroes. “This is depressing as fuck,” proclaimed Matha Monk, “this could be one of my last chances to dribble on a celebrity doing their best to avoid me”.

As a reporter, it is a dream to be offered the opportunity to pick the brains of an aged cultural treasure, however, our interview was unfortunately cut short, as the voice behind Blue Panet dashed out for fear of wasting what “might be [his] last non-chemical boner”.