The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Power make-out sessions: better than modafinil?

Making out for 5 minutes has proven to increase concentratin levels up to 5 times in students. Ditch the modafinil, start pullin’.

Power make-out sessions: better than modafinil?

When Modalert alerted us of an imminent shortage of modafinil supply, panic broke out nation-wide. Their efforts to produce a 56-hour lasting pill, (The Modalert 1420mg) proved a failure after repeated incidence of spontaneous combustion with one actually happening in Warwick, although reports claim no one liked the guy so no notice or action was taken.

Word in the streets has it that a legit 200mg pill can cost up to a kidney, some students even forgoing their third year dissertations in exchange of one unit of pill. Please do pay close attention when buying the stuff from your dealer as rumours have it that a batch of sabotaged pills from Coventry University has somehow infiltrated the ‘impenetrable’ Warwickian wall and are actually just compressed cocaine pills. Not that that’s a problem. But yeah.

So the question remains, when all the supply’s gone, what will we do? The answer has been in front of us all this time. Get frisky. Just ask the person next to you, “Hey, do you want to boost your productivity levels by up to 10 fold? Then let’s make-out” (© Me 2016). (It’s all yours, we’re fine thanks — Ed.)

If the person next to you says no, the person next to you is clearly stupid (because who doesnt want to boost productivity? Thought that was the reason behind me paying £27k for a piece of paper in the first place). If they say yes, well damn you are incredibly talented and should probably join Neil Strauss as one of the world’s leading pickup artist.

So next time you’re sitting in the library fatigued, ambitionless, lonely, scummy, full of regret and remorse, just ask for a kiss, and who knows what could happen. The answer is simple, probably nothing, cus this uni is boring but hey, maybe she’ll remember you in Smack next time?