‘absolute mad one’ after exams are instead either ‘mellowing under the gravity of wasting another year’ (24%), ‘trying to remember what they used to with their time, if anything’ (31%), or ‘binge watching Netflix and touching themselves’ (21%).
A quick walk around central campus confirmed these findings. We caught up with biophysical sociology finalist Camilla Baglia as she filed out of her last exam. When asked what she planned now, she responded “oh god, I’m going to have so much free time to get back into the swing of things”, after dodging a champagne cork, we pressed to find what exactly that entailed. “Drinking, lol, I was definitely in a society too, maybe it was a team, nah… performance, like dance or something… shit, I did nothing meaningful here”.
“maybe I really am a boring bastard… I need to lay down for a while”
Visibly upset, and covered in a sticky film of cheap champagne, it was time to leave Sarah to deal with her ruined clothes, and a swiftly descending fog of biting insects, so as to catch a cohort of eleventh year engineers as they stretched their wings in the wide world of freedom for the first time. Pushed to explicate how he intended to fill the “two week bender” he had lined up, Nim Chimpsky spelled out a painstaking list of all the vacuous clubs he intends to gyrate slowly in; all of which tick the boxes of being sufficiently loud as to not allow his hollow personality to come through in conversation, and with sufficiently cheap alcohol so as he can repress his stifling social inhibitions, and maybe “get an easy lay”. Pushed to find if he has anything else planned, he reminds us that “I did mention that I’m getting completely wankered… oh god… is that all I can look forward to, maybe I really am a boring bastard… I need to lay down for a while”.
Leaving Nim to cope with his existential angst, the hunt was on for somebody not crushed by the weight of meaningless plans and goals. The search was swiftly ended upon spotting Conrad 3000 marching out of the final ECgeteveryonearatracejob39 exam.
“No drinks for me, I start interning at Morgan Stanley on Monday” he announced with three measured chuckles. “I’ll be on a dynamic team of narcissists re-arranging spreadsheets which will be ignored by people who did exactly the same thing last year, also, I’ll be making coffee”. He claimed the lack of purpose didn’t bother him; “think of all the money I can make, which I can spend on making more money. It’s as if university was just the little shit bit before I can enjoy 50 years behind a desk. I don’t have to think ever again, it’s great”. He continued to rattle off the subsequent steps in his career path, but only to an increasingly pale reporter, who had to depart for a long walk, a smoke, and something sturdy to drink.