The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Boar wins big at the annual Boar awards

A record haul for Warwick's masthead publication, scooping up such awards as 'Best Warwick newspaper that goes by the name The Boar' and many others.

Boar wins big at the annual Boar awards

Leamington was abuzz last Friday night with an almost-black-tie-clad collective of effervescent leg-up journalists, hoping to see how their collective work had fared in this year’s Boar awards.

They had good reason to be celebrating too. In a surprising turn of events, with the exception of two awards lost down the back of a sofa, the Boar saw off all competition to somehow win every available award. Even all individual categories, such as ‘Most Boary Boar’, went to Boar writers.

Whilst most word hungry authors took to the Twittersphere and announced their success to both of their followers, we caught up with Boar features writer Theodora Hoar, who kindly regurgitated what she always says when she gains any putative recognition:

“I’m so proud of everybody who has helped me achieve incredible things in this really hard period in my life. I have done incredible things I didn’t think I could do. I’m very happy. It’s because I didn’t know how important I am.
I am very important. I do things that I know are hard and then people say I do them well out of politeness and I smile. I do things very well. All things. I’m actually very good. A lot of people say so.

“When I’m more important than you, I’ll probably remember you all as my little people. You’re only small, but you’ve been very supportive. We’ve had some mad nights. We’ve had some really mad nights. Haha. Tequila. I don’t drink tequila because I don’t like it. But people say ‘tequila’ when they are getting drunk on a mad one.”

She continued, “I feel privileged to have accepted your support. You’re ok. You know, hardly equivalent to me, but you’re acceptable. I’ve honestly never been happier than I am right now. It’s so sad. I’m really happy.

“I think my legacy is important. I’m scared my legacy might not be as incredible as I have been. I know it will be though. People said so. People won’t forget me because I am so much better than them.

When I have an opinion, it’s actually a fact. If you think about it, it’s just completely true. That’s because I have excellent judgement. People have told me that too.

This is really sad. I’m so happy. I’m feeling so many things. I’m so proud of my people. So happy. It’s been really hard. So sad.

Thank you for acknowledging that I’m outstanding.”

When asked what she had won to deserve such recognition, a well-dressed editor leaned in and whispered: “fuck all”.