The Hoarchive

After a successful season in which three of the four Warwick Mens football teams triumphed in their respective leagues, it came as a surprise to all that no Warwick players were selected to start against Russia in Marseille last Saturday.

There was initial uproar last week after 18-year-old rookie Marcus Rashford was picked in the England 23 man squad ahead of any Warwick Mens footballers. This was despite Rashford not once being seen strolling around campus in his Bank of America Merrill Lynch tracksuit narcissistically.

Pundits are struggling to account for the decision with everyone on campus being well aware of just how important the footballers are. The Firsts, after all, heroically overcame the likes of Derby University 1s and Loughborough University 3s, but the courageous and hard-fought 3-0 loss to bitter rivals Coventry at this year’s Varsity is thought to have been a factor against our warriors.

First team striker and self-confessed ‘top lad’ Christiano Ronaldinho (born Barry Smith) remained optimistic despite being snubbed: “I’m actually happy not to make the squad. It would have meant that I would have had to miss the last three Pops, which is the last opportunity I’ll ever have to score as many girls as goals I’ve scored this season simply because of the club tie I’m wearing.”

He continued, “Even when I was 9 and on Barnsley’s books for half a season, I knew I wanted to get my degree in Comparative American Studies, first and foremost, so it’s a relief not to have to turn the place down.

“This also means I can keep wearing my football tracksuit, I haven’t taken it off once in the past three years. Even when I went for a job interview at KPMG. I didn’t get the job but how else was I meant to show everyone how big a deal I was?” the goalscoring hero concluded positively.

When asked why he overlooked the Warwick stars, England manager Roy Hodgson said, “Wowick who?”. He clearly hasn’t been to campus and seen our champions.