The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Spiteful Special

Her dad started to talk to her again when she told him she was ‘into journalism’.

Spiteful Special

Many of our submissions have a target, be it a person, a process, or a pack of punctilious partisans. Despite not really being anything, the Hoar is quite a fan of jokes — and we like it when everyone can get behind a critical jibe.

This morning, however, Theodora is far too hungover to discern what is a sharp critique, and what is just a bit nasty. Here is a collection of the latter type.

1. Student unsure whether to include writing for Tab on her CV or not


Her dad started to talk to her again when she told him she was ‘into journalism’.

Cathy Rindhoops, second-year nonentity, middling historian, and self-declared BNOC has been faced with a dilemma. Should she mention her career in student journalism — writing for the Tab — in her CV.

She told us, “I’m good-looking. I’m tagged in Smack photos. I’m friends with a substitute for the men’s football team. Well, second team at least. Standard BNOC behaviour.

“No, I didn’t write one of those self-indulgent rants about why I’m right, I’m not worried about employers thinking I’m some sort of radical, it’s just that the stuff I wrote wasn’t exactly high-brow.”

Rindhoops continued, “I wrote that article ‘Which letter of the alphabet is your university?’ Did you see that one? I struggled to remember their names at one point.

“No, the letters came to me easily enough, I just can’t name more than the five universities I put on my UCAS application in sixth-form. Even then I struggle to recall and I came here through clearing.”

Heartwarmingly, Ringhoops recalled, “My dad started to talk to me again once I told him I’d gotten into ‘journalism’; I just made the quotation marks silent.

“Employers look for individuals with personality, intelligence and charisma. Of which I have absolutely none, not even 8 Jagerbombs in Smack can fix that. It’s a good thing I can hide it with a well-written CV. Just a shame I have fuck-all to put on it, so here I am, contemplating whether to mention my article about that time I farted on the U1 in the hope of becoming an intern at a law firm. Shit.” She said with a look of despair and regret.

“I’m just hoping they don’t actually read any of my articles, no one else does. Especially if they went to Q,” she added with a knowing wink, which, upon further inspection, turned out to be the letter she’d forgotten.

2. Boar servers fall over to due ‘left bias’


Calamity struck last week when the once-sturdy Boar webpage collapsed, as its servers toppled one by one reducing the news site to a meagre error page.

The blame was initially placed on a stray pro-tory article poisoning the mix, but further inspection revealed that the servers had in fact literally toppled onto the ground, as too much weight was placed on one side of the political spectrum.

“What people don’t realise is that their opinions really do have value,” explains one seasoned journalist. “If all of the views on a website are too far to one side, it’s all going to add up eventually.” The trusty servers were doing a swell job for many years, but with ever more frantic anger over ever smaller issues, something had to give eventually.

The Boar will no doubt be back on track within a week, but many have fears about the long-term stability of any future technical solutions.

“The Guardian tried to solve a similar problem they were having by placing the servers against a wall,” said local tech geek Simon Roo, “but then, of course, the structural integrity of the wall quickly degraded. No-one’s found a real fix yet.”

With the Boar serving as the tried and trusted vox populi for that lovable left-wing clusterfuck we call student politics, certainly some balance is needed, namely in the steel reinforcements that will keep those servers upright and ready.

Certainly some balance is needed

It is not yet known when we’ll once again be able to get our daily fix of novel and contrived opinions on tired old topics, but the Boar team assure us that they are working hard to get mildly outrageous issues and humanities students’ views on them back in the public eye.

3. Gentlemen: don’t think before you act

(questionable dating advice)


Too long have we dreaded the horrendous, often torturous outcome of overthinking. Should I do it? Should I say it? Should I fuc… nah not that one. But guess what? from now on you have the obligation to say stop (that is STAHP) to acting rationally and follow that primitive-driven Id-istical part of you that makes you so fucking you (for the best or the worst).

It makes sense, researchers confirm. “If everyone acted like they wanted to, we’d all act like we’d want to.” Don’t be fooled by the simplicity of this sentence, as there is a hidden meaning behind this nonsensical phrase. What they’re getting at is that often we never end up doing or saying or acting in the way we’d want to. So much of our ephemeral ‘living experience’ is deeply embedded in the act of choosing not to live in a particular manner rather than going ahead and experiencing what the result of those actions might have been.

In choosing not to say hi to her, in choosing not to touch her hair, and choosing not to have her suck your …actually ignore the last one, you are essentially foregoing multitude of parallel universes worth of potential pleasure*. Our decision is based upon the question: what will are others going to think or say if such an action is taken rather than the potential benefits that action could have on our lives.

But as game theory goes, we all have to choose together and move simultaneously. Only when we all act like we’d do when home alone will people be more focused on the outcome of their pleasure-driven actions as opposed to the self-pity and commiseration of simply imagining would have been and being too much of a pussy to speak your mind. This is deeper point our researcher was trying to make.

So please, if you are out there and you feel lonely, it’s probably because you are. But the ocean is so big that there’s bound to be lonely fish. Actually fish are never lonely, and for the most part, they are happy** you know why? Cause they don’t overthink. actually they just simply don’t think, they jut are. They’re hungry? They eat. They’re tired? They sleep. They’re horny? They have… sorry got sidetracked. The important point is that no-one is going to help you except yourself because no-one has more vested interests in you than you.

So please, next time you see her, say hi.

*Check Rick and Morty for further proof of existence of parallel universes.

**A unit of fish’s happiness doesn’t necessarily equate to a human unit of happiness, because you’re all a bunch of spoilt white kids.

4. Cannibalism is not a copout


It’s the enlightened compromise.

I hate vegans. I hate them so much I’m prepared to stoop to a cliché: I am passionate about hating vegans.

I laugh at them. I tell them they’re unhealthy. I ask them a lot of questions. I am deliberately incredulous. I tell them they’re going to die. I even share bad memes about them.

Trouble was, that wasn’t enough. I have two vegan friends, and the bastards both seemed to tolerate me. Sure, they didn’t share the joke, and sure, they told me to stop baiting them. Unfortunately, they didn’t seem to mind me bringing them dead pussycats in a bag.

Naturally, I turned to cannibalism. My thinking was thus: if waving a steak under the noses of my dear vegans can’t compel them to tell me to fuck off, maybe telling them that “I eat people now” will?

I know what you’re thinking: “what about other animal products like dairy and eggs? Killing and eating people who walk by the canal is simply not the same as farming chickens for a bhuna.”

I agree — cannibalism is not the one-stop solution to your vegan-hounding needs, but it comes close. Cannibalism is the smart person’s compromise.

Fair enough, eating Steve doesn’t say a lot about the sheer amorality of vegan cheddar or almond milk, but the benefits of cannibalism are manifold. I don’t have to eat a person every day: quite often I put most of the person in the freezer. Eating people is quite a lot cheaper than eating chickpeas, because you can’t actually buy person meat — you have to murder a real person yourself, which is free!

My vegan friends find the whole thing completely disgusting, which is great. I know for sure that I won’t be going back to simply sneering at vegans. Cannibalism is the way ahead!

5. Sip your slurpy, zip the hoodie, shades are on, now you’re lurky


When summer calls, every boy replies with one action: whap those brand new shades on.

Bloomberg reports are out and the results are astonishing:

Thailand Stock Market: +4.72%

Vietnam GDP: +11.92%

China: +6.66%

Thailand and Vietnam and China are amongst the top exporters, accounting for a staggering 66.6% of worldwide*, of top-quality 100% genuine counterfeit shades. With the recent surge in ‘wanna-be-trendy’ syndrome, every kid in town has hurried to secure his brand new pair of Ray-Dan’s. Or Ray Jen’s. Wait I think it’s DayBans. No, It’s ReyJans. Ah, fuck it. We all know they are fake.

Please be considerate of child-labour** and over utilising precious earth resources in order to block a ray of light that has travelled unscathed for millions of miles from the sun all the way to the surface of the earth just for it to be denied access to that 1 square inch of your silly face by an even sillier pair of shades. Thanks.

*legit source, I promise.

**please don’t give me any PC bullshit. Child labour is as real as global warming isn’t.


6. Delusional students return home to find no safe spaces


Shocked students returning home this summer have slowly started coming to the sober realization that the general public do not care about what they think.

One Student Sarah Bells spoke of returning to her home town Bristol, being shocked to find a lack of safe spaces, language codes and the Political Correctness police. “I don’t understand how these imbeciles can’t understand the need for a safe space and a self elected police force to punish micro-aggressors” she went on further to complain “These people have no respect for the motions we passed this year in the SU which are the law of the land”.

Evidently the shock of leaving the Warwick bubble has had multiple victims with freshers who got involved in liberation campaigns taking the brunt . Another student Nathaniel Heronbank a 1st year studying Humanities (I think, he ranted for so long I couldn’t remember)  said “When I lecture someone about their privilege and how they are triggering me I still get told to fuck off, but now no one is there to tell them they are wrong”.  He went on to say “the locals just don’t understand that I know what is best and they should all follow what I say”.

Warwick University was asked for comment and their Spokesman expressed concern for these student and as with every year special support will be offered, “especially to those who have become addicted to the self congratulatory work of standing outside the library annoying passersby to push some dumb agenda”.

However many normal students have rejoiced at the fact now no one will lecture them why they should care about everything or compete to be the most oppressed.