13 ways to replicate the Warwick experience in your parents’ house
Kelsey’s: Spend six weeks drinking an indiscriminate mixture of Lambrini, Red Bull and orange juice in your attic.
Sadly, terms end. This one ends quite soon, but despair ye not. Here are thirteen ways to make yourself feel quite at home when you’re, er, back home.
1. Pop
Mix blackcurrant cordial with vomit, and carefully brush the mixture onto your bathroom floor. Switch off the lights and force a man in a wig to play Cotton Eye Joe loudly and on repeat. For added effect, have sex with a family pet afterwards.
2. Library
Board a cross-channel ferry at peak time, so that there are not enough seats, and in a heat wave, so that your clothes stick to you. Purchase an extremely expensive meal from a woman who may or may not base her personality on that of a particular German chancellor from the late 1930s. Walk up and down the stairs. Marvel at the shitness of any person who leaves books on an absent desk for more than half an hour. Consider suicide.
3. Rootes Grocery Store
Enter Tesco. Fill a basket with things that you do not require. Move near to the self checkout. Stand still for fifteen minutes. Go to the self checkout. Find a deeply unhappy shift worker and ask him or her to mumble a number. “£7.89”. Leave Tesco. In order to replicate RGS pricing, dump most of your purchases in a litter bin.
4. The road crossing outside Rootes Grocery Store
Locate a busy section of road and an opaque scarf. Tie the scarf over your eyes and walk into the road.
5. Arts Centre
Choose a useful corridor in your place of residence. A shortcut, perhaps, which shelters you from the rain on your passage to the lavatory. Line it with posters for concerts, exhibitions and comedians. Drink two bottles of wine. Walk through it the next morning and consider, regretfully, how uncultured you are.
6. Smack
Invite forty people to come and stand in your shower. Write naughty words like ‘cunt’ on the walls in order to make you feel more grown up. Racially segregate the upstairs shower from the downstairs shower.
7. Kasbah
Get drunk. Get on a dubious bus to a down-at-heel regional club. Miss the return bus. Find a cosy spot on a building site and curl up for a sleep.
8. Switch
Eat seven packets of paracetamol and stare into the beam of a laser pointer whilst listening to the washing machine.
9. Xananas
Consider a part of your family home that you have never explored, like the area behind the door in the bedroom of the sibling you don’t like very much. Name it Xajazaxa and never venture there.
10. Piazza Steps
Carry a bag of empty cava bottles to a pedestrianised shopping area in your nearest town. Spread them carelessly. Sit on a piece of concrete and watch a sport, in which you have limited interest, on your phone whilst you pretend to be a hardened smoker.
11. Kelsey’s
Spend six weeks drinking an indiscriminate mixture of Lambrini, Red Bull and orange juice in your attic.
12. Royal Leamington Spa
Draw a picture of a beast, composed of the top half of Joanna Lumley and the bottom half of a street-dwelling crack-smoker who’s missing one foot.
13. Circling
Sit at a kitchen table and pour Ribena onto your face.