The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

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Hoar BNOC: biggest name on Cryfield

The search for the longest, widest, tallest or heaviest name on top of Cryfield.

Hoar BNOC: biggest name on Cryfield

After receiving zero nominations, we clocked the need to do the groundwork ourselves. We’ve searched high and wide, mostly high, for the ideal candidate for the 2016 Hoar BNOC award.

The criteria were simple: who or what, of all the people and things on top of Cryfield, has the biggest name.

‘On’ was taken to exclude such ambiguities as Cryfield pitches, and the top floor of Cryfield, literally just leaving the sloped tiled surface as the sole domain of choice.

‘Name’ was taken to mean the arbitrary label humans slap onto broadly unified self-contained objects.

Finally, ‘biggest’ required us to judge each name by its most outstanding feature — which is generally considered to be its metric distance if written in stolen SU signs.

A quick climb, and a couple of minor falls, was all that was required to ascertain the winner. Batting ‘window’, ‘roof tile’, and ‘corpse’ into lesser places was the nominally heavy ‘Theodora Hoar with a pair of binoculars’.

While the result was disputed after the arrival of ‘irritated fire rescue service workers on a cherry picker’, the result from before the arbitrary cutoff time holds — Theodora has her own BNOC title now, regardless of what you bastards vote.