Second year hospitalises invigilator with post-exam 'dab'
Eighty-six-year-old invigilator Edna Flowerstand has been reported to be in a stable condition at Coventry University Hospital.
The relief and euphoria at the end of a final exam is a feeling known to us all.
Rootes Grocery prosecco corks fly across the Piazza, pints are sunk at the Terrace Bar quicker than you can shout “N Thrift on fire”, and the Koan transforms into a rotating trippy wonderland for everyone to sniff sharpies and make daisy chains.
However, on Thursday at approximately 11:32 in the final second year psychology exam, things may have “gone too far”.
One of the last courses to finish at Warwick, emotions “were running high”. Students were seen rocking back and forth in their chairs, frantically whispering the lyrics to ‘Shine Jesus Shine’ to stay positive and creating sweat puddles big enough replenish the Dead Sea. All, in preparation for that glorious moment, when you are finally told to put their “Pens down, the exam is finished”:.
Upon hearing the magic words, Kelsey’s regular and psychology BNOC Carl Freduisnizzle was reported to sprint from his chair, not even giving a look to his fellow class-mates, he was, quote, “done with this shit”. As Carl headed towards the exit, the kind and gentle 86-year-old invigilator Edna Flowerstand, stood by the door waiting patiently for students to leave quickly and quietly.
In a horrific turn of events, witnesses have reported how, just before reaching the door, Carl turned and proceeded to fling his limbs in the air in a defiant gesture, what we now understand to have been the infamous ‘dab’.
Unfortunately for Carl, the unknowing Mrs Flowerstand was caught in the chin by what witnesses described as a ‘beasty right hook’ and sent somersaulting across five rows into aisle E. Students were reported to recoil in horror at the unbelievable strength of the dab, invigilator Martin Birdtable was violently sick.
Since the disgraceful ‘dabattack’ on Mrs Flowerstand, the current vice chancellor has been reported to be in talks with other senior managers over plans to release a campus-wide ‘dab-ban’. Carl Freudisnizzle has been disqualified from all exams and will be forced to resit an unseen ‘dab-free’ paper in September. The Hoar is yet to receive comment from Freudisnizzle however, rumours state that he has been to visit Mrs Flowerstand to apologise and is now undergoing intensive ‘dab therapy’.
Edna Flowerstand is currently in a stable condition at Coventry University Hospital and is accepting cards from well wishers. Her favourite grapes are purple.