The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

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5 things to consider ahead of the EU referendum

Some facts and advice for the discerning Warwick voter.

5 things to consider ahead of the EU referendum

1. It’s easy to register to vote.

Go back to before midnight on Thursday 9 June. Fill in your details on the GOV.UK website. Remember as you’re a student you can register at two different addresses. Watch with interest as the website implodes when you go through the rigmarole again with a second address. Sort through your Hotmail as the server sends you upwards of twelve emails about how you’ve registered to vote in one address, now the other address, but you’re not on the list that sends you loads of shit from third parties, but you can get a postal vote, but you’ve also registered in two places, is this right?, do you want a postal vote? Delete accordingly.

Await your Warwickshire County Council polling card patiently. Receive a call from your mum that your home county polling card has arrived. Get to the weekend of 18 June. Give up. Utilise our reliable midlands train network to make the long journey home to vote in your home constituency.

2. Remember who we’re voting for.

The referendum is a big decision for the United Kingdom and not one to be taken lightly. Much like the obligatory Sunday small talk over a series of cups of tea, it is also necessary to consider the needs of the older generation. We smile awkwardly through their sweeping racist and homophobic statements and so too is it advisable to grin and bear their political opinions. Consider the future for the elderly when you get to the polling station on Thursday. They won’t be around forever, let’s make their last decade or two their happiest.

3. Know what Brexit is.

You’ve seen the headlines and heard what Brexit is up to. “Brexit concerns Germany”, “Brexit will permanently lower UK incomes”… Contrary to popular belief, Brexit is not an MP and close friend of Farage but a portmanteau (see: ‘Brangelina’).

4. We need to look after Greece.

If it weren’t for Greece we wouldn’t have lost our virginity, phone and dignity on that blinding piss cheap holiday to Ooh Ahh Malia. (Is this right? — Ed) These poor people have put up with our finest student behaviour, best exhibited in Smack, and frankly any contribution we can make to help them out is to be encouraged. They really don’t have their shit together but they have cracking food, music and patience for us. Do your good deed this week and vote Remain in the name of the Greeks.

5. There’s a 2:1 in it.

You heard it right. Thrift the Second has promised at least a 2:1 should the population of Warwick’s campus vote at least 80% in favour of the Remain campaign. Speculation continues as to whether the new vice chancellor is pro-EU or simply trying to elevate his status from unknown to meme-worthy.

Main image borrowed from the official Warwick Twitter account.