Referendum called off due to fresher’s Facebook essay
Insightful and balanced Facebook post by a previously indecisive fresher brings an early end to the far-too-long running referendum debacle.
Escaping from the chilling haze of the Leamington morning into the cloying warmth of The Jet, the mood is far from festive. “Punters aren’t going to be happy” Landlady Jena Fobe bemoans, “but the kid’s got a point… give me a hand with this bunting will you?”.
Throughout the town, similar such preparations for pseudo-sovereignty clambering parties have had to be begrudgingly withheld, as the UK, and the world, come to terms with mere 456 words spilled out onto social media by Ivor Nydia, a first-year Warwick psychology student.
Brexit activist and part-time soft racist Gary Getemowt, was stunned by this revelation.
Remarkable for both its brevity and its incision, Ivor first cuts through the smokescreen surrounding clarity of thought ahead of the referendum. “I’ve been doing some thinking, the decision was not obvious to begin with”, Ivor informs us, “but I eventually realised that this debate was not about whether we approved of the union exactly how it is or not, rather it’s what we want our country, our futures, and our pay-packet to look like”. From here on, Ivor takes an ingenious step in realising that all arguments to leave are, in their totality, arguments for xenophobia, racism, and Marxist-Leninism – all of which Ivor has the cutting reflex for social justice to avoid. Brexit activist and part-time soft racist Gary Getemowt, was stunned by this revelation; “shit”, he noted, “he’s got me there, better vote Remain to keep my cover”.
“until reading [Ivor’s] post, I actually thought the European Union was perfect.”
Simply spelling out what the problem is wasn’t quite enough to make the voting stations pack up early. For that, we can see the pragmatic jargon-cutting balance exercised by Ivor in his diagnosis of the nation’s European ailment. “The European union isn’t perfect”, he elucidates, “any institution that can facilitate TTIP, fail to protect Crimea, allow thousands of refugees to drown, and appoint as head of an unelected commission the man responsible for hiding the most money from public coffers in the world; is an institution that needs serious reform”. He even provided references to what were previously considered nutty ‘Lexit’ articles as proof.
This insight was a stunning reality slap to Remain campaigner Welthia Whitgirl, who in wide-eyed amazement assured us that “until reading [Ivor’s] post, I actually thought the European Union was perfect, for a short while I was at a loss for who to support, I felt like an Aztec gazing at the heart being ripped from a human sacrifice and thinking, maybe an alternative is possible“.
Yet rather than take the weak minded moralistic get-out pill, Ivor brought the whole debate crashing down into a simple utility equation. By noting that the benefits: cheap travel, heightened privatisation, increased international competition, French women, French wine, Erasmus, peace, environmental buzzwords, short-term favourable macroeconomic forecasts, Italian women, Italian wine, and so on – cumulatively outweigh the costs, Ivor reached a startling conclusion: “Consequentially, we’d be better off reforming the EU, and not taking a plunge into the unknown”.
On hearing the news, Farage announced that “there’s not really any point going through with this whole thing now”.
Far from fall favourlessly into deaf ears, Ivor’s post was met with unanimous approval. At worst, some Brexiteers were irate for having wasted their time squeezing the annuls of their cloying porgy-esque unBritainaphobic ideological wish-wash for nothing.
On hearing the news, Farage announced that “there’s not really any point going through with this whole thing now”, and polling station workers have started preemptively packing up their lots and preparing for a free afternoon to enjoy the phlegmatic overcast English weather.
Elsewhere, the phone hasn’t stopped ringing for Ivor, who has had to bat away promises of posts at a plethora of acronym heavy institutions. Far too busy to comment on the developments to a minnow e-mag such as The Hoar, a spokesperson released a statement ensuring us that the UN will have to seek an interim replacement director when Ban Ki-moon steps down later this year, so as to warm up the seat for when Ivor finished the next two ‘mad years’ at Warwick University.
Indeed, the only popular body available for comment was ITV, who we are told are in talks with Boris Johnson, in order to secure a long career in Reality TV.