The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

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10 bits of Brexit-inspired degree advice

Is it a tenuous link? Yes it is. Does it come from a place of fear, anger and thinly veiled hysterical denial? Absolutely fucking not.

10 bits of Brexit-inspired degree advice

Here are some policies to implement during the course of your studies to make sure your degree reaps the same positive effects as the Brexit measures on the United Kingdom.

1. Email your personal tutor on a weekly basis and call him a bellend.

Any attacks on his published work, lectures and body image will also work wonders.

2. Smear any submitted hard copies of work in human excrement.

The administrator and markers will soon know that you’re serious about getting this first and that you know your shit when they can literally smell your shit.

3. Enrol in modules that involve an intermediate to advanced understanding of a language you’ve never attempted.

Guaranteed. Winner.

4. Air any flat or house tensions in the body of your dissertation.

They’re stealing your fridge space, their girlfriend is a bitch, the stains around the bath are fucking suspect. It’s important to work through your issues at this important juncture of your education.

5. Start the Aryan Society.

It’ll be funny because you’re not actually racist.

6. Proposition your seminar tutor whilst they invigilate your exam.

Catch their attention as they pace the aisle and ask what you can suck, when and for how long to make this degree the success you need it to be.

7. Cite your own words.

Only ever citing your own blog in submitted work enforces your confidence in your understanding of the degree subject; confidence that tutors will at first resist but soon applaud.

8. Arrange to talk to your head of department but instead throw sandwiches at his door.

Making sure you do this at the time of the proposed meeting will fully drive home the point.

9. Go interdisciplinary.

Attend examinations for different subjects, writing out the revised material for your area of study for each paper. Do not attend the examination for the revised module itself.

10. Deny having ever attended the University of Warwick.

Refuse a final grade when it is given to you, claiming to both faculty and your family that you were working as a beautician in Coventry for the last three years.