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WBS seizes control of UK during PM handover

Little is know about what is discussed behind the closed doors of Buckingham palace.

WBS seizes control of UK during PM handover

Yet, early this afternoon, words to the effect of “sorry Liz, I give up on this damn debacle” were exchanged, leaving David Cameron without the premiership, and Britain without a PM.

With Theresa May lined up to visit the self-same palace later on to pick up the vacant role, the WBS board of automatons had to act quickly to ensure a successful takeover of the country whilst it was technically in a state of anarchy.

“We saw that the UK was effectively without a CEO”, announced chief of exploitation, Slazzio de Slimio, “hence, given the hit this will necessarily cause to the value of UK derivatives, assets will, in a short while, outvalue the cumulative stock prices”. Pressed to explain why this was grounds for a hostile takeover, he added, “it’s simple, all we need to do now, is strip the UK of all of its marketable assets, and we’ll be sitting on a healthy profit”.

How did WBS manage to squeeze into the top spot? Director of CVs, Francois de Aristocraie, proclaimed that “as with anything in corporate law, it’s simply a game of who can throw the most money at corporate lawyers. Given that the Conservative party has recently blown most of its cash on an election, a little bit more on the referendum, and the final odds and sods on Eric Pickles’s gastric band, it was really quite an easy contest – we even have the rights to William Hague’s stammer, and Sajid Javid’s first born son”.

What can we expect from a WBS lead government? An end to inefficiencies such as green spaces, public services, and solidarity. However, their work won’t only be deconstructive. We can also expect a neat rise in useless jargon about “financial ecosystems”, outsourcing to areas that haven’t got a pesky history of opposition to slavery, investment in tasteless mock-ups of artistic movements their owners know nothing about, and over-priced poor quality champagne.