The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Higher education commission ‘forgot to care’ about students

“God, I hope they don’t protest”

Higher education commission ‘forgot to care’ about students

…exclaimed Fi Raze, commissioner for not forgetting student interests, “we forgot to even make it sound reasonable this time, this seems to happen far too often now”.

The confusion follows news that tuition fees are set to increase in line with a fictional level of inflation, repayment terms have been retroactively altered (not in students’ favour), and that the poorest of students now get to enjoy a higher level of debt than their better-off colleagues, following the scrapping of student grants.

The skeptically minded discerner of detail may be inclined to doubt that the government even cares about the student body; students don’t vote in considerable numbers, when they do vote — their selections are uniform, and their union is something of an echo chamber for pursuing every vein of identity politics save for class equality and defence of the student body.

Yet this skepticism is misplaced, Fi reassures us, “we really do care, we’re just going through a tough time right now, what with our trial separation from the EU”. The government, it appears, is as committed as ever to whatever it is supposed to do for students, it’s just a little distracted, as Fi adds “we must have lost the dossier or something, usually the union reminds of this kind of thing”.

When finally asked if the recent bout of callousness could pose a problem to the government, she coolly responded “nah, the fuckers are too busy on internships or sharing Sassy Socialist Memes actually organise a decent protest — this’ll just fizzle out and become the norm, what’s more, some can’t even occupy places to protest anymore… we’ll be fine”.