The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

16 things to consider before opening a student bank account

Starting uni comes with a lot of fresh commitments.

16 things to consider before opening a student bank account

For example: which bank shall I open my student account with? There’s a dizzying array of lovely banks to choose from. Here are sixteen important questions to ask yourself before you choose one.

1. Do I already have something that can do the job?

Chances are, you don’t.

2. Where do you draw the line between intimacy and too much information?

Sharing too much too soon is as bad as shutting yourself off and not expressing your desires.

3. What’s my favourite colour?


4. What differentiates my business idea and the products or services I will provide from others in the market?

However unique your business idea might seem to you, you’re in for a tough ride if you want to enter a crowded marketplace.

5. How much RAM I you require?

Will you just be browsing the web and sending emails, or do you plan to watch videos and edit photos?

6. Will an all-terrain buggy fit inside the supermarket?

ATBs are great in the open country, but they can become a grind on the daily grind.

7. What are your feelings on masturbation?

You need to sort these things out early if you’re going to have a comfortable relationship.

8. What happens if interest rates rise?

Find out, or risk sleepless nights.

9. If I try to fail, and succeed, which have I done?

What was your goal?

10. Is this the ideal place to get a tattoo?

A lot of people ask themselves this question all the time. They can’t all be wrong!

11. How do I feel about my exes?

Are you over them? Are you jealous of their happiness? Do you hate them?

12. Which vaccinations has it had and which ones are still required?

Not just a question for pets and children — it’s good to know everything when it comes to vaccinations!

13. Will 802.11n be a sufficient standard for my wifi usage?

See questions 5.

14. Why do the poor seem happier than the rich?

Is life less miserable when you can throw money at your problems?

15. Have I remembered to bring a small day bag?

There’s nothing worse than walking around Paris with all your possessions squeezed into your sweaty little palms.

16. What’s going to happen to those people in the world who’ve never heard about Jesus Christ?

Have you heard the good news? Yeah, the list’s over.