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47 orphans sacrificed in honour of Freddie Mercury

The Queen frontman, who would have turned seventy today, is unlikely to have appreciated such a gesture.

47 orphans sacrificed in honour of Freddie Mercury

The surviving population of Earth generously honoured Freddie Mercury by ceremonially murdering forty-seven orphans, whilst a kazoo band performed Bohemian Rhapsody.

The Queen frontman, who would have turned seventy today, is unlikely to have appreciated such a gesture. The Earthlings, however, are blinded by his deathly glory.

“When a dead person who used to sing pop songs fails to celebrate an important birthday, us Earth people like to do something ridiculous to fill the void left by his death,” an Earth spokesperson told the Hoar.

“In this case, we were afraid that the recurrence of the date upon which Mercury was born might cause some of us to feel a degree of unhappiness. It would raise unanswerable questions such as ‘What if he wasn’t dead?’. We find unanswerable questions uncomfortable, so we arranged to sacrifice forty-seven orphans.”

Such an inability to comprehend the inevitability of death is a trait common amongst the Earth people. In the eight months prior to the seventieth anniversary of Mercury’s death, they took offence at the unexceptional rate of death amongst actors, musicians and public figures and chose to believe that loss of life was a phenomenon unique to 2016.

The deaths of David Bowie, Victoria Wood, Alan Rickman, Prince, Paul Daniels, Harper Lee, Terry Wogan, Ronnie Corbett and Nancy Reagan were treated as a personal affront by the death-fearing Earthlings.

“In a touching irony,” an all-knowing cultural correspondent said, “it seems highly likely each of those individuals would have heartily encouraged fans and followers to forget about the certainty of death, since there’s nothing anyone can do to prevent or guarantee it.”

Speaking at a great gig in the sky, Mr Floyd, unemployed, spoke to the Hoar about his attitude towards death. “And I am not frightened of dying, any time will do, I don’t mind. Why should I be afraid of dying? There’s no reason for it, you’ve gotta go sometime. I never said I was frightened of dying.”