The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

A message from the Trump Penthouse Foundation

“Dedicated to the celebration of taste and style.” It’s like Bluebell.

A message from the Trump Penthouse Foundation

What follows is a press release, sent to the Hoar by an organisation aptly formed to protect the good taste and style that characterise all of Mr Trump’s personal possessions. We tried hard to find a Warwick angle, struggled, and settled on the unashamedly weak assertion that he’s a bit like Bluebell.

The Trump Penthouse Foundation announces a major fund raising campaign to support the Foundation’s efforts to have The Trump Penthouse — the top three floors of 725 Fifth Avenue — designated a New York City Landmark. Recognition by the New York City Landmarks Preservation Commission would confirm the architectural, cultural and historical significance of the site and ensure its existence for future generations.

For the Trump Penthouse to achieve landmark status it “must be at least thrity years old, have special historical or aesthetic interest, value, or character as part of the development of the city, state or nation”. The Trump Penthouse meets these criteria in spades.

The Trump Penthouse designed with elegance and perfection by Angelo Donghia — the ‘Saint Laurent of Sofas’ — was completed in 1983 making it age eligible. The historic component is met by Donald Trump’s persona. He is the first true vulgarian to run for president. Aptly, a place where ‘Donald Slept Here’ should be preserved for posterity. Aesthetically, with onyx, marble and gold, it is in keeping with the Palace of Versailles, a residence fit for the ‘Sun King’ Louis XIV of France. As for value and character, The Trump Penthouse mirrors and tracks the decline and fall of American democracy.

The Foundation expects to enlist the assistance of New York’s Landmarks Preservation Coalition, the conservative cultural vigilante group, in its effort to preserve and maintain the Trump Penthouse. The coalition will field neighborhood organizers to assure full compliance with the Foundation’s financial targets. The coalition is expected to be supported by like-minded alt-right organizations nationwide.

Kicking off the capital fund drive will be a black tie gala reception honoring the Foundation’s chairman emeritus, Wladziu Valentino Liberace, in recognition for his life-long commitment to faux glitz and glamour on January 20, 2017, Inauguration Day. The event will be hosted by Kim Kardashian and Kanye West at Brooklyn’s historic Grand Prospect Hall with Anna Wintour and the Metropolitan Museum of Art providing the guest list. Admission is set at $50,000 per person, totally and deliciously tax deductible.

Contributions may be made by cash, check and money order to the address set forth below. To make a donation using America Express, Visa, MasterCard or PayPal please visit our website

Wladziu Valentino Liberace
Chairman Emeritus

(Main image callously stolen from Getty via a fawning article on the House Beautiful website. It’s Trump — normal rules don’t apply. If you share our usual liking for intellectual property law, complain to us.)