The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

Twelve freshers momentously unite under the banner of ‘Econ Group Chat 2k16!!’

‘Econ Group Chat 2k16!!’ has brought together twelve enthusiastic but befuddled freshers, reports from the official freshers’ group suggest.

Twelve freshers momentously unite under the banner of ‘Econ Group Chat 2k16!!’

The twelve nineteen-year-olds of mixed sex, gender and shoe-size — who share only the good fortune to have accepted offers of economics at Wozza and the enviable keenness required to establish a twelve-man subject group chat thirty days prior to the start of term — are reportedly struggling for small talk.

As is ever the case in such situations, some moron from the home counties has adopted an unflattering tone of semi-ironic Unilad-lad-bant in an attempt to ease the social tension, only to be ignored.

Jemima, nineteen of St Albans, has had a stab at freeing the taps of conversation, asking of her new friends, ‘What’s your favourite sandwich?’ Only Clara, nineteen of High Wycombe, has mustered the energy to respond, informing her eleven allies that she simply adores prawn on brown bread.

Harry, who is nineteen, of Henley and who’s profile picture depicts only a porcelain statuette of an Egyptian fruit-seller, has generously shared with Econ Group Chat 2k16!! five memes. Four of Harry’s memes have elicited no public response.

The fifth, which is an especially racially charged specimen — not obviously racist, but also not conceivably appropriate — has pushed Joanna to her tether’s end.

Joanna, nineteen of Wimbledon, has a highly developed social conscience and an appetite for a fight. Joanna has told Harry that he’s fucking unacceptable and removed him from Econ Group Chat 2k16!!

In possession of a fine sense of humour, Alex, nineteen of Reading, has decided to make his first foray into the vibrant dialogue by directing a terse farewell to Harry. His confidence is bolstered by the certainty that Harry will never read his terse farewell, and its terseness — Alex feels sure — is extraordinary.

Amy, nineteen of Woking, has a pale complexion and a perennially concerned countenance. Amy has joined seven economics group chats and is agitated that none of them seem to contain anyone who can tell her whether she needs to buy the books on the optional reading list.

Given to naïve optimism, she has asked Econ Group Chat 2k16!! whether she ought to purchase the fifteen items on the optional reading list ‘just to be safe’. Amy also worries whether it may be essential that she acquires latest editions of each, whether her new MacBook will be suitable for university tasks and whether there’ll be separate lavatories for male and female residents in Westwood. Amy is uncertain.

Jemima, Joanna, Alex and Wang Jing (nineteen of Beijing) are the first to see Amy’s query. They do not know the answer, because — like Amy — they have never studied economics at Warwick before. Unlike Amy, they know with an unwavering certainty that they don’t give a flying toss about reading lists.