The Hoarchive

Satire, freshly squeezed from Warwick Uni

The Hoar book, pictured on a white studio background.

'Clowns' spotted in university administration buildings

Following a string of unverified sightings around University House, investigators have confirmed that the mass hysteria sweeping the post-ironic West has hit Warwick.

'Clowns' spotted in university administration buildings

Not trigger warnings, it should be added, but clown sightings.

Disguised as students, four student reporters mustered the journalistic courage to creep through the front barricades of the spooky university administration building and set up camp in the cute café, to munch on overpriced Portuguese custard tarts until a fabled figure of childhood horror appeared.

At 9am, a cutting figure that fitted the description entered, with folders marked “Interest hikes for low-income students” tucked under its arm.

Knocking over chairs as they in shock, the students moved towards the semblance of a jovial humanoid. Maintaining a safe distance from the macabre nightmarish figure, a reporter screamed “what are you doing!”, to which Bozo replied, “accounts”.

The reporters snapped a photograph (in which, mysteriously, there was a desk), decided they’d heard more than enough and made a flurried dash to the entrance — knocking over yet more tables as they tried each available door. Blasting into a room labeled “corporate strategy office”, the heads of over a dozen clowns turned to see the commotion. One stood up, yet only to view the backs of the fleeing students.

Despite not being chased in any ostensible sense of the word, the panicked reporters eventually found an unused exit between the “student loans augmentation” office, and the “funny pictures of students protesting” archive.

Irate students have attempted to organise a Salem-style ‘clownhunt’, but plans fell through when they were informed that University House is “out near Westwood”.