Plans announced to fortify sports centre
The sports centre is to be heavily fortified after students attempted to gain illicit access to the freshers’ fairs, Warwick Sport has announced.
Greater defences are to be installed at the Warwick University sports centre, as the uni steps up it’s efforts to discourage large meetings of opposition groups and ensure that all subjects (students? — ed) endure similar hardship on their journey to utopia.
“It is an utter disgrace that these yobs gained unauthorised access to the sports hall without first standing in line and being given the signup sheets they needed in order to make their payments upon their exit from the building,” said Eugene Krabbs, first secretary of the Warwick Sport central committee.
“As such the university will soon be installing new defences outside the sports centre in order to prevent a recurrence of such events in the future.”
The Sports centre’s new defences will include large concrete barriers and a death strip with anti-vehicle trenches, fakir beds and an army of trained attack geese. Access to the sports centre will be available through a series of check points manned by campus security.
The announcement was made after students’ repeated attempts to avoid the fair queues, many of which stretched as far as the piazza. Most successful insurgents penetrated the sports centre through Desso Hall’s less well defended back door.
“It was well worth it,” said a lawless fresher who wishes to remain anonymous. “It was great to have leaflets forced into my hands while I visited the stalls of societies whose meetings I’ll never attend. I even got to hand over my email address so that I’ll receive hundreds of a spam messages over the course of the year.”
Larry Beria, secretive head of Warwick’s security service (WSS), was apparently present at the societies fair held last Thursday. Illegal voice recordings, obtained by the Hoar, reveal an ambitious and ruthless man.
“Surveillance alerted the WSS of two males entering the building by Desso Hall fire exits” he is heard to recount in one such recording. “WSS officers ensured that they would pose no further threat to the maintenance of an extremely long queue. The queue discourages students from becoming associated with the SU, and guarantees that it remains a fringe party of minimal opposition.”